FREE RESOLUTION TIPS

Don't worry yourself with resolutions you won't keep. You won't lose weight, you won't exercise more, you won't quit smoking, you won't eat right, and you will continue to procrastinate. This time instead of making your same old, boring, useless resolutions, I have come up with a few ideas for you. They're all user friendly, easy to stick to, and the world will thank you.

Stop using the phrase "it is what it is". - This is the stupidest cop-out of an answer known to man and must be put to rest. It isn't what it is, hell it wasn't even what it was. There are no absolutes and nothing is always as it seems. Profoundness from simple mindedness. Just drop it.

Visit the ATM once a week. - You know what your weekly spending habits are, so pick up a little cash. Then I won't have to watch you in all your pathetic glory, whip out a credit card to buy a Twix bar and a Yoo-hoo.

Keep your cat in the house. - I don't have a cat. I don't want a cat. The neighborhood wasn't consulted on your decision to have the outdoor, crap in our mulch, spray that stink on our doorstep, middle of the night scary scream, squirrel chaser, you decided to adopt for us. So keep Fluffy on your side of your front door, pinhead.

When walking through the mall, keep right. - Mall walking should be approached like driving a car. Stay in your lane, slower traffic keep right, and pull to the shoulder if you wanna stop. Your re-enactment of Moses' parting of the Red Sea by pushing little Johnny's stroller against the flow is not getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers. And don't just slam on the brakes. It's not that we don't enjoy using the tip-toe emergency brake, but let's save that for cliffs and ledges.

Pre-plan your McDonalds order. - Since you've decided the 'lose weight' resolution just wasn't for you, you should have this menu memorized. Unless they're shleppin the Shamrock shake or that McRib nastiness, it's the same McCrap they always McHave. Waiting until you get to the counter to do the 'squint and choose' won't provide any more artery-hardening options, I promise.

Use computer acronyms sparingly. - IDK WTF, but all these IMs R XLNT and TGTBT. Think WWJD B4 U LOL or LYAO. Personally, I DKDC CUZ I don't use AOL on my PC. But, OMG my BFF said CYA to his GF, the VP of an IPO, NBD. So THX 4 sparing this DWM all the BS. XOXOXO
....Nuff said.

One for me

My two favorite gifts.

CUERVO COOKIES

My sisters recipe for the best Christmas cookies ever.

1 cup of water - - - - - - - lemon juice
1 tsp. baking soda - - - - -4 large eggs
1 cup of sugar - - - - - - - 1 cup of nuts
1 tsp. salt - - - - - - - - - - 2 cups of dried fruit
1 cup of brown sugar - - - 1 large bottle of Jose' Cuervo

Sample the Cuervo to check for quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup, and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar, beat again.
At this point, it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, so try another cup.... just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the friggin fruit off the floor... mix on the turner. If fried druit get stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or somthing. Who giveshz a sheet.
Sheck the Jose' Cuervo.
Now, shift the lemon joose and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoonof sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, den finish the Cose' Juervo and make sure to put the shtove in the dishwasher.

U-TOY-PIA

I am just a big kid, and yesterday, I hit the jackpot. Between what Santa brought and our three holiday stops, I( I mean my kids), got lots of cool stuff for me to play with.

Why just yesterday alone, I made the finest Mr. Potato head you can make with the provided googly eyes, derby, and nose/moustache combo. My parents would be so proud to see just how far I've come in tater-face creativity.

I subsequently proved my Rock-em Sock-em Robot supremacy to both my kids, and I look forward to todays re-match. I don't look at it as beating up on a 4 yr old. I prefer to think of it as "quality time".

The three Nerf dart guns have not seen any action just yet, but rest assured, I have been plotting a suction cup dart ambush on my little elves since early this morning. My Marine training coupled with my basic Ninja skills, will have these two beggin for mercy the next time they get near the fake tree by the bathroom. (I'm trusting you not to divulge this tactical info. 10-4?)

I will also be safety testing skateboards and remote control spiders. All Play-doh will evaluated for color, consistency, and overall squishability. Nintendo games will be pre-screened for content (until I get Mario past that big mushroom lookin thing.) The Spiderman web-blaster will be calibrated for true accuracy, and matchbox cars will undergo rigorous on-track testing before DJ smashes them together in one of his famous 56 car pile-ups. It's for their own good. It's just good parenting.

Well that's it for now. I still hours of assembly, battery placement, and twisty package wire removal ahead of me before I see what else I, I mean they, get to play with next.

CHRISTMAS EVE

It's the night before Christmas, and I just can't be sure,
is it cold out where you are? Here it's seventy-four.

The kids have been good, they try I must say,
I threaten "Santas watching!" at least twice a day.

Our Christmas tree stands and greets all who come calling,
Please Christmas, come quick, all the needles are falling.

The familys' prepping, for some holiday cheer,
It all starts at church, (I go once a year).

We join them for caroling, good food, and some treats,
Baked ham, and good wine, all sorts of good eats.

For friends who can't make it, hope your holidays great!
I'll miss seeing you here, (I'll still fix you a plate!)

Once the evening is through, and we all settle in,
I'll tuck in the kids, as I smile and grin,

For the nights' just begun, for whom Santas entrusted,
to keep him alive, and try not to get busted.

The long wait is over, Santas makin his flight!
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

GREED

A famous man once quoted his mama and said, "A man only needs so much money to live, and the rest is just for show. " I think Mr. Gump was right.

My morning routine was off to a stellar start. You've been there. Perfect ratio of sugar/creamer to 7-11's finest mountain roast java. The last sprinkly donut sitting there waiting for you in the little pastry aquarium. The store is packed, yet there is only one person in the checkout line ahead of you. It's breakfast-time bliss with a side of hashbrowns.
But I am even-steven. The symbionic relationship between my expectations and my reality was once again about to kick me in crotch.
I would (reluctantly) have traded half my sprinkly donut to be in line ahead of the only person between me and the gold medal for the convenient store relay.
She stood at the counter, in all her AARP glory. Hair in beehive perfection. Diamonds dangling from every wrinkled limb. Rolex watch. Tailor-made pantsuit. Mercedes key chain hanging from her Gucci purse. Standing there. Mocking my possible achievement.
For, as blatant as she was with her display of wealth, she had a portfolio binder which housed 20 minutes worth of lotto tickets. Lotto, Fantasy 5, Play4, Pick 3, you name it-I'm gonna be here a while.
I find it difficult to imagine what her financial requirements actually are, or how much more this woman needs to prove her more-money-than-you lifestyle. All I could do is stand there, feel a little sorry for her, and imagine what she'd look like with a slurpee on her head. Dripping with lemon-lime goodness. Soaked to the facelift with blue-raspberry. Drowning in wild-cherry.

Todays lesson:
Greed is bad. Ambition is good. Sprinkly donuts reign supreme.

POINT OF VIEW

After reading one of my favorite blogs (Life of Cinematic Moments), it occurred to me how much I miss the snow. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how much fun it was for me but how hard it was for my parents. Once the first big snowstorm hit, the difference was point of view.

Kids: Let's make snow angels!
Adults: Damn it's cold outside.

Kids: Let's have a snowball fight!
Adults: I hate shoveling snow.

Kids: Let's make a snowman!
Adults: Now you know the cars not gonna start.

Kids: Try to catch a snowflake on your tongue!
Adults: Can you train a dog to get the mail?

Kids: Let's go ride the sled on the hill!
Adults: We should have gone to Florida with my frequent flyer miles.

Kids: Look at the icicles over the garage!
Adults: That damn neighbor never returned my snowblower.

Kids: It's gonna be a white Christmas!
Adults: Crap, the pipes are frozen.

Kids: I peed my name in the snow!
Adults: Who's been playing with the thermostat!

Kids: Let's put snow in dads boots again!
Adults: Those kids better not have put snow in my boots again.

X-MAS IN DA HOOD

This was taken in a government housing project in Largetto, Fla.
Looks like someone has been selling their food stamps.

COMFTUBLY NUMB

It's Tuesday.
Feels like Monday.
Tuesday has no feel of it's own.
Rather it borrows a tad of either Mondays 'don't wanna be here' vibe or Wednesdays 'hump day' stupidity.
Tuesday.
No one looks foward to it, no one looks back on it.
A weekday filler.
One more 24 hour span of non-weekendedness to endure.
Melancholy at best, as if to have ingested fourteen rotted molars worth of novacane to the brain, I endure.
Don't know what to do next and can't remember what I did last.
So I sit,
going through the motions.
Hold up, wait a minute.
Christmas cookies from my electrician.
Somehow, it now feels like a Thursday.

DOODLE ART

OOOOOHHH, Who lives in the projects down under the sea....

(equal opportunity Spongebob)

DON'T FORGET THE LYRICS

So, I'm listening to Christmas songs on the radio with the kiddies. We got stuck on a lyric to "Deck the Halls", and decided to check it out on the ol' one-horse sleigh superhighway. We actually found more than we bargained for.

Deck the Halls- "Troll the ancient yuletide carol, falalalala lalalala."

(Songs about trolls scare me.)

Jingle Bells - ..."he got into a drifted bank, and we, we got upsot"

I don't know what this means, but I'm not going to get upsot about it.

12 Days of Christmas - "8 maids-a-milking"

Sounds to me like someones re-gifting! Anyone who gives you this is probably not you're true love. Break up with them quick, because the partridge told me in two days you're getting "10 lords-a-leaping", and that's just wrong.

Santa Claus is Comin to Town- "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're

awake..." Santas gonna be in jail, and his mugshot they will take. Stalker.

T'was the Night Before Christmas - ..."while visions of sugarplums danced in their heads"

See? Egg-nogg does have halucinogenic side effects. And by the way, even the Keebler elves don't know what a sugarplum is.

Here We Come A' Wassailing - Didn't even get past the title of this one. But know this, I have never and will never wassail, and anyone who comes a'wassailing near me is gonna get hurt.

We Wish You A Merry Christmas - (2nd verse) "We want some friggy pudding, Please bring it right here". I didn't even friggy know there was a friggy second verse. And how can you have any friggy pudding, if you don't eat your meat? (Pink Floyd and friggy pudding- good times my friends- good times.)

ROAD RAGE , (LITERALLY)

As I try to negotiate traffic in my daily commute to and from here and there, one things got me more perplexed than a cross eyed hippo trying to ride a three wheeled skateboard. Why is every road I drive on under construction? I have had it with the detours, the barricades, and being behind the rock bouncing dumptruck.

And don't get me started on the guy holding the slow/stop sign playing God with who is late for work and who isn't. Is this a career you apply for? Does anyone know what it takes to land this gig? It is disturbing to me that a person whose job description is "hold sign here - spin when necessary", can back up traffic with the flick of the wrist.

I think the worst thing to be in Pinellas County, Florida - is a bridge. Your days are numbered my concrete, water spanning friend. It seems to me that if sailboat manufacturers would have spent 8 minutes with the original bridge builder, the height issue may have come up, and we wouldn't be replacing EVERY bridge around here.

I'm also not fooled by the generator powered lights. Maybe it's easier to poorly make roads at night, when you're tired, and when you have been leaning on your shovel all day. I don't know, just spitballin here.

Just to let everyone know, I wash my truck every other weekend. The department of transportation is aware of this. How do I know? They create huge clouds of concrete dust,
pump water across the streets, or paint the stripes on the road, every other Monday. Murphy's Law right up the old tailpipe.

TOYS FOR TOTS

Went Christmas shopping for the little "darlings" this weekend. Didn't actually get much but I did notice, things have changed since I was a kid. Everything is designed to stimulate the underdeveloped noggin of these kids to the point of actually placing" anti-seizure" warnings on stuff. Some other stuff caught my eye too...

G.I. Joe has obviously been taking steroids since I last saw him.

If it doesn't move by itself, you're kids won't like it.

Kids only get Tinkertoys if they're bad. I got them for bein a good boy.

Toys R Us doesn't sell Big Wheels or Green Machines.

Way too many toys are "collectors editions". Can we play with 'em?

Everything has some assembly required. I guess"made in China" means "you do it".

Lincoln logs are hidden in the corner on the bottom shelf. They suck anyway.

"Pong" was only for rich spoiled kids. Now there's a whole electronics section for rich spoiled kids.

Our kids can't get the recommended daily allowance of lead by chewing their toys.

They actually make a doll that takes a dump. Oooh what fun for your little princess.

......silly putty still tastes the same.

MORE POETRY

A boy in his room had once said;

"There's a sticker book under my bed!",

I left him alone, as I talked on the phone,

and now there's a chicken on his head.

I BEEN THINKIN

I think about thinking about things.

I think life is not at all like a box of chocolates.

I think by now we should all be riding around in flying cars, as promised.

I think Nick at Nite should rerun "What's Happenin". (hay-HAY-hay)

I think it must be reeeeeally easy to get a cab drivers license.

I think Elvis is dead.

I think the invention of the big gulp cup with the little bottom for cupholders was pure genius.

I think there should be more foods on sticks.

I think robots should clean my house.

I think Hollywood has completely run out of things to make movies about.

I think kids should come with an "off" button.

I think bigfoot is real and we should leave him alone.

I think if you go to jail, chances are the guy you've been warned about is not named "Bubba".

I think they should re-survey the 4 out of 5 dentists who recommend sugarless gum.

I think Samuel L. Jackson is the baddest mo-fo on the planet.

I think Michael Jackson looks like Peter Pan.

I think marriage is the leading cause of divorce in this country.

I think that if you have 1 problem, a pill with 17 side effects aint the answer.

I think realistically Slater would have pummelled Screech at orientation.

I think I'm done.

FOOTBALL FOR IDIOTS

The only pre-game commentary you'll ever need;

(cue the music)

If they're gonna be successful tonight, they need to get the ball up the field, by making first downs and moving the chains. They must establish the run with a balanced passing game. They need to put points on the board, keep their defense off the field, pick up the blitz, and give the quarterback time in the pocket.

Someones got to step up, someones got to block down, someones got to close the gaps, and someones got to pick up the screen.

They need to control the clock, control the tempo, control the ball, and control the line of scrimmage.

They should be able to convert third downs with their west coast offense, and use their two minute drill against the nickel defense.

They can't afford any penalties, they can't allow any touchdowns, they can't leave the receivers open, and they can't turn the ball over.

They gotta watch the short pass, they gotta watch the long bomb, they gotta watch the reverse, and gotta watch for the quarterback sneak.

They can't be afraid to go over the middle,(under the safety), or run it up the gut and down the sideline.

Though they've been plagued by injuries, if they stick to their original game-plan, they should be effective if they use the shot-gun after the 2 minute warning.

Back to you Dan......

A GENIUS INVENTION

Funny Pics at pYzam.com

Defensive driving is important. In Florida, it's manditory. From the lost tourist pointing out every pelican he sees, to the 115 year old who graces our streets at 25 mph during rush hour, you're in trouble just startin the car. And don't forget about mr. cell phone guy, mrs. make-up, mr. c.d. changer, or mr. I paid more for this stereo than I did for this car. It's just a pleasure to share my streets with all of them. So, after my last near death experience with one of Floridas finest rolling roadblocks, I decided to take some action.

Since we can't change bad driving habits, I am working on a better solution. A way to help avoid accidents and minimize road rage. Here's what I got so far.

There should be some kind of device that lets other drivers know what you are up to. I figure this device should probably be on the outside of the car so others can see it easily. I could ask car manufacturers to install it on all cars, so we'd all have it. Maybe a light or something. Possibly a blinking light. And I'd put it on all four corners of the car, so everyone around me could see it. It also should be simple to operate, like a small lever on the steering column, so even more-ons can work it. Yeah, I think I'm on to something here. I just don't know what I should call it...

SAVED

Had my visit from my two favorite, uninvited, neighborhood gospel spreaders today. Yeah, I know what you're thinkin, but I got busted in the driveway. I got to say, this guys Jehovah mobile has better stealth capabilities than any Imperial Star Destroyer or Klingon Battlecruiser. Didn't even see it comin. I figure if we explain to him how our good friend Osama is in need of some spiritual guidance, and get the Marines to tail him.... problem solved.
Even still, we had our fun with them. My son starts to pester and annoy one of them to the point that he was looking at a way out worse than I was. "Wanna see my trick?" "Where's your car?" "Can I have another book?" "I'm 4" "I have a hole in my shoe" Priceless commentary-perfectly timed. I turned to my daughter, only to proudly discover her instincts are more honed than my own, she's long gone. So I took my bible lesson like a man, until they decided they had enough 4 year old for the day.
Then, just as mysteriously as they popped up, they seemed to de-materialize. I doubt they'll be back too soon.
It's hard to say who will win the war. But this battle belonged to us.

WEE-BAY

An exclusive auction site dedicated to the creations of the "wee" ones in my care.

Here are a few of the holidays hottest and most sought after treasures;


Oh yeah, it's a pine cone turkey. This truly unique, hand-crafted, legless, holiday icon will surely make you the envy of all the freeloaders gathered around your Thanksgiving feast. Each tail feather was hand-picked and strategically placed by the young artisan himself. And talk about realism, tomorrow is turkey day, and is that a tear in his eye?

This little number is a hold-over from last year. Classic holiday coloring and full Indian headdress complete this masterpiece from day-care studios. And those googley eyes seem to follow you where ever you go! If your holiday display has ever been called "drab" or "without paper towel holder Indian", you won't want to miss out. NO RESERVE.

No true patriots holiday collection should be without one of these little beauties. An authentic scaled replica celebrating the Mayflowers' historic landing at (or on) Plymouth Rock. No detail has been overlooked in this collectors "must have"- from the blue ocean/green grass shoreline to the early shipbuilders "flying U" hull design. It's almost as if you're witnessing it first hand!

Where would your holiday be without one of these little gems? A (not so) rare Native American noodle necklace artifact thingy! You are sure to be amazed by the exquisite, multi-colored noodling bound by only the finest turquoise waxed dental floss pre-school can afford. Just like the Indians used to make 'em. Add this to your list for that guy who just has everything. One size fits all. Sorry, all sales are final.

HMMM...

Something to consider from my hero George Carlin,

"Think of how stupid the average person is, then realize half of them are stupider than that."

THANKS

Time to give thanks. Thanks for the life I have, and thanks to those who are a part of it.

I am most thankful for family. No matter where life takes them, they will always be there.(like it or not!) And not just my family, but the extended family I have become a part of. They have shown me a kind of understanding and closeness I had almost forgotten about.

I am thankful for my son. He has a way of brightening up any cloudy day, making me laugh when I need it most, and allowing me to see the world a little differently - through his eyes. I love you D.J.

I am thankful for my daughter. She is turning into a beautiful young lady and I am so proud of her. Things have not been easy for her. I've tried to show her that even though she was forced to grow up too fast, it's okay to be a little girl. I love you Lauren.

I am thankful for my job. I love what I do for a living, and being able to pay my bills by doing it is more than I could ask for.

THE REAL THING

Spent my evening at the mall looking for some cool Lightning gear for mini-me and some jeans for the other little darling. I had a bad "Christmas too early" vibe as we drove up, but ... no. No decorations on the lightpoles in the lot and no big bows on the doors.
I figured the guy who moved daylight savings a week , got together with the guy who moved Thanksgiving a week, and they decided to hold back on the glittery extravaganza until we all finished shredding our calendars.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear?
One skinny-ass Santa, that's what.
This was too funny. Perched out there in front of the only thing Christmas they drug out of storage ( one big old tree ), was a guy who wasn't foolin aaaannyone. When did Jared start a Subway chain north of the Artic circle?
Anyway, since there was no line, we went through the motions. My 4 year old son steps up, stands in front of Santa (too scared to sit on his lap), and says " Where's your fat belly?" Now, I'm crackin up, and Santa goes into this prerehearsed Mrs. Claus diet speech that he will no doubt be repeating to EVERY kid he sees.
My advice- You're gonna lose your voice rollin out that diet schpiel to the next thousand kids, so slide a pillow under the parka slim.

WHAT'S THIS FOR?

I have keys on my keyring that don't unlock anything.

.

QUITCHABITCHIN

Enough already. Quit your moaning. Everyone's got problems, everyone's got woes. I will always lend a sympathetic ear to anyone in need, but some of this stuff is driving me nuts. Some thoughts for consideration; Life promises nothing, therefore you are due nothing. Your birth certificate has no entitlements clause. There is no free lunch, there is no free ride. There are no hand-outs, only helping hands. No one owes you a living, no one owes you an explanation. You are what you've learned, you are what you eat. You reap what you sow, and you make your own choices. If you don't like it, change it. If you don't want it, scrap it. If you don't need it, recycle it. If you want happiness, you can find it. If you want money, you can work for it. If you want respect, you'll have to earn it.

DON'T ASK

My kids have questions. Since I am the smartest person they know, I hate to disappoint. Maybe someone can help me, in case any of these come up;

Why isn't a penny the smallest coin?

Why aren't the letters on a keyboard in alphabetical order? (you know - like the song)

Why did Wile E. Coyote keep ordering from ACME?

If a spider makes a spiderweb - What makes a cobweb?

What animal do they make SPAM from?

Was Pac-Man fever a real sickness?

Do squirrels poop? (I've never seen this happen)

What happened to all the quicksand?

Why are the Red Hot Chili Peppers so bad-ass?

(okay that last one was mine)

ONE MANS CASTLE

More Funny Pictures at pYzam.com

I awoke this morning with great expectations and a desire to start my morning routine with as much unbridled enthusiasm as I could muster for a Monday. As I passed through the kitchen on my way to wake the kids, the mustering was put to the test. A roach. A dead roach. Motionless, upside down, and well, just plain gross. I got it into a dustpan and into the trash before any further ickiness could ensue. That should have been it. No more. End of story. Out of sight - out of mind. But then it hit me. Roaches can go a month without food. ( they can survive on postage stamp glue if they had to.) Roaches can go without air for 45 minutes. Roaches have a high tolerance to radiation.( you know the whole nuclear war survival story.) A roach can live with its freakin head cut off! (Until it starves- no head= no mouth= no food). Now I agree that the best kind of roach is a dead one, but I gotta know. Why is it that a creature that can survive all that stuff, couldn't make it in my house? I didn't spray anything, set off any bug-bomb, or whack him with my shoe. So tell me, what's wrong with MY house? This is where I've chosen to raise my two children. We eat, drink, sleep, and play in here. This is where we live and breathe. Still, roach is dead-couldn't cut it. Wait.... I know - old age! That's my theory. Unless there is some sort of cockroach suicide study I haven't heard of.

A LITTLE CONSIDERATION....PLEASE

I am a big fan of live music. The scream of the guitars, the rumble of the drum beat, the mass of concert goers paying homage to their favorite bands from "the pit", I love it all. But, - (and I know you saw the "but" comin) I got a beef. To the drunk people behind me at the Pepper show, maybe it's not a good idea to start drinking at 12:15 for a 9:00 curtain. And it's surely not a great plan to use said drunkeness to annoy those around you. Hey, just glad it was me who got to knock you off the bench and watch you tumble like a hamster.

To the idiot at the Ribfest concert, HEY, THE BAND IS BEHIND YOU!. Standing up and facing the crowd only lets us get a look at the more-on who is blocking our view of the stage. If you're not here to watch, then go home and buy the album.

And finally, to this guy in the picture, ..........where do I begin.

BETTER THAN LETTERMANS

Top 10 excuses why my ex will be missing her weekend visitation with the kids;

10. I have a doctors appointment.

9. I have no money.

8. My doctor prescribed pills that make me tired.

7. I just can't handle both kids at the same time.

6. I am moving.

5. I am moving again.

4. I might be moving.

3. My power is being turned off.

2. I think I'm going to be sick this weekend. (call made on a Tuesday)

...... and my personal favorite and your #1

1. My boyfriend needs my car to drive to DUI class !!

DRESS CODE VIOLATION

All I said was "get yourself dressed" -suppose it could have been worse.....right?

ONLY THE BEGINNING

Well, here it is. An outlet. Maybe a journal. Possibly some new way to get the daily nonsensical trivia out of my skull for others enjoyment. Who knows. I suppose rather than dwell on an exact reasoning I would prefer to keep the remaining useful brain cells on standby for when I need them.