FREE RESOLUTION TIPS

Don't worry yourself with resolutions you won't keep. You won't lose weight, you won't exercise more, you won't quit smoking, you won't eat right, and you will continue to procrastinate. This time instead of making your same old, boring, useless resolutions, I have come up with a few ideas for you. They're all user friendly, easy to stick to, and the world will thank you.

Stop using the phrase "it is what it is". - This is the stupidest cop-out of an answer known to man and must be put to rest. It isn't what it is, hell it wasn't even what it was. There are no absolutes and nothing is always as it seems. Profoundness from simple mindedness. Just drop it.

Visit the ATM once a week. - You know what your weekly spending habits are, so pick up a little cash. Then I won't have to watch you in all your pathetic glory, whip out a credit card to buy a Twix bar and a Yoo-hoo.

Keep your cat in the house. - I don't have a cat. I don't want a cat. The neighborhood wasn't consulted on your decision to have the outdoor, crap in our mulch, spray that stink on our doorstep, middle of the night scary scream, squirrel chaser, you decided to adopt for us. So keep Fluffy on your side of your front door, pinhead.

When walking through the mall, keep right. - Mall walking should be approached like driving a car. Stay in your lane, slower traffic keep right, and pull to the shoulder if you wanna stop. Your re-enactment of Moses' parting of the Red Sea by pushing little Johnny's stroller against the flow is not getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers. And don't just slam on the brakes. It's not that we don't enjoy using the tip-toe emergency brake, but let's save that for cliffs and ledges.

Pre-plan your McDonalds order. - Since you've decided the 'lose weight' resolution just wasn't for you, you should have this menu memorized. Unless they're shleppin the Shamrock shake or that McRib nastiness, it's the same McCrap they always McHave. Waiting until you get to the counter to do the 'squint and choose' won't provide any more artery-hardening options, I promise.

Use computer acronyms sparingly. - IDK WTF, but all these IMs R XLNT and TGTBT. Think WWJD B4 U LOL or LYAO. Personally, I DKDC CUZ I don't use AOL on my PC. But, OMG my BFF said CYA to his GF, the VP of an IPO, NBD. So THX 4 sparing this DWM all the BS. XOXOXO
....Nuff said.

One for me

My two favorite gifts.

CUERVO COOKIES

My sisters recipe for the best Christmas cookies ever.

1 cup of water - - - - - - - lemon juice
1 tsp. baking soda - - - - -4 large eggs
1 cup of sugar - - - - - - - 1 cup of nuts
1 tsp. salt - - - - - - - - - - 2 cups of dried fruit
1 cup of brown sugar - - - 1 large bottle of Jose' Cuervo

Sample the Cuervo to check for quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup, and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar, beat again.
At this point, it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, so try another cup.... just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the friggin fruit off the floor... mix on the turner. If fried druit get stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or somthing. Who giveshz a sheet.
Sheck the Jose' Cuervo.
Now, shift the lemon joose and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoonof sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, den finish the Cose' Juervo and make sure to put the shtove in the dishwasher.

U-TOY-PIA

I am just a big kid, and yesterday, I hit the jackpot. Between what Santa brought and our three holiday stops, I( I mean my kids), got lots of cool stuff for me to play with.

Why just yesterday alone, I made the finest Mr. Potato head you can make with the provided googly eyes, derby, and nose/moustache combo. My parents would be so proud to see just how far I've come in tater-face creativity.

I subsequently proved my Rock-em Sock-em Robot supremacy to both my kids, and I look forward to todays re-match. I don't look at it as beating up on a 4 yr old. I prefer to think of it as "quality time".

The three Nerf dart guns have not seen any action just yet, but rest assured, I have been plotting a suction cup dart ambush on my little elves since early this morning. My Marine training coupled with my basic Ninja skills, will have these two beggin for mercy the next time they get near the fake tree by the bathroom. (I'm trusting you not to divulge this tactical info. 10-4?)

I will also be safety testing skateboards and remote control spiders. All Play-doh will evaluated for color, consistency, and overall squishability. Nintendo games will be pre-screened for content (until I get Mario past that big mushroom lookin thing.) The Spiderman web-blaster will be calibrated for true accuracy, and matchbox cars will undergo rigorous on-track testing before DJ smashes them together in one of his famous 56 car pile-ups. It's for their own good. It's just good parenting.

Well that's it for now. I still hours of assembly, battery placement, and twisty package wire removal ahead of me before I see what else I, I mean they, get to play with next.

CHRISTMAS EVE

It's the night before Christmas, and I just can't be sure,
is it cold out where you are? Here it's seventy-four.

The kids have been good, they try I must say,
I threaten "Santas watching!" at least twice a day.

Our Christmas tree stands and greets all who come calling,
Please Christmas, come quick, all the needles are falling.

The familys' prepping, for some holiday cheer,
It all starts at church, (I go once a year).

We join them for caroling, good food, and some treats,
Baked ham, and good wine, all sorts of good eats.

For friends who can't make it, hope your holidays great!
I'll miss seeing you here, (I'll still fix you a plate!)

Once the evening is through, and we all settle in,
I'll tuck in the kids, as I smile and grin,

For the nights' just begun, for whom Santas entrusted,
to keep him alive, and try not to get busted.

The long wait is over, Santas makin his flight!
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.