FREE RESOLUTION TIPS

Don't worry yourself with resolutions you won't keep. You won't lose weight, you won't exercise more, you won't quit smoking, you won't eat right, and you will continue to procrastinate. This time instead of making your same old, boring, useless resolutions, I have come up with a few ideas for you. They're all user friendly, easy to stick to, and the world will thank you.

Stop using the phrase "it is what it is". - This is the stupidest cop-out of an answer known to man and must be put to rest. It isn't what it is, hell it wasn't even what it was. There are no absolutes and nothing is always as it seems. Profoundness from simple mindedness. Just drop it.

Visit the ATM once a week. - You know what your weekly spending habits are, so pick up a little cash. Then I won't have to watch you in all your pathetic glory, whip out a credit card to buy a Twix bar and a Yoo-hoo.

Keep your cat in the house. - I don't have a cat. I don't want a cat. The neighborhood wasn't consulted on your decision to have the outdoor, crap in our mulch, spray that stink on our doorstep, middle of the night scary scream, squirrel chaser, you decided to adopt for us. So keep Fluffy on your side of your front door, pinhead.

When walking through the mall, keep right. - Mall walking should be approached like driving a car. Stay in your lane, slower traffic keep right, and pull to the shoulder if you wanna stop. Your re-enactment of Moses' parting of the Red Sea by pushing little Johnny's stroller against the flow is not getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers. And don't just slam on the brakes. It's not that we don't enjoy using the tip-toe emergency brake, but let's save that for cliffs and ledges.

Pre-plan your McDonalds order. - Since you've decided the 'lose weight' resolution just wasn't for you, you should have this menu memorized. Unless they're shleppin the Shamrock shake or that McRib nastiness, it's the same McCrap they always McHave. Waiting until you get to the counter to do the 'squint and choose' won't provide any more artery-hardening options, I promise.

Use computer acronyms sparingly. - IDK WTF, but all these IMs R XLNT and TGTBT. Think WWJD B4 U LOL or LYAO. Personally, I DKDC CUZ I don't use AOL on my PC. But, OMG my BFF said CYA to his GF, the VP of an IPO, NBD. So THX 4 sparing this DWM all the BS. XOXOXO
....Nuff said.