COACH DAMON

Well, my posts have been a little sparce this week, but dammit hey, I been busy. Between the kids insisting that I feed them every day, and the general lack of common sense at work, I am more frustrated than a cross-eyed hippo tryin to ride a three wheeled skateboard.
And to top it all off, now I'm coaching my sons t-ball team.
Not because I have extra time on my hands.
Not because I have some skills to pass on to future baseballers.
It's because I answered the phone.
And I know better.

If you've never experienced 5 year old baseball, oh, it's a must see. I'm sure if the concession stand sold Pabst Blue Ribbon, we could easily get this thing on ESPN. Couple of drunk guys screamin at little Timmy because the grounder went through his legs. Or maybe some dude comes stormin out of the stands when Alex Jr. gets a hit and runs straight to third.

I'm sure Vegas could find a way to lay odds on this stuff.
4-1 odds that the right fielder sits down and starts singing "Puff the Magic Dragon."
Even money that at least once during the game, some kid drops his glove, grabs his crotch, and sprints to the bathroom yellin, "I gotta go potty!"
5-1 odds for a parent fight ending with 'police assistance'.
No bets on the final score though.
After all, it's not about winnin or losin , it's about the children having fun.
We'll see.

I'll update you on our teams progress. Meanwhile I'm off to practice my pitching . I've got two days to learn how to throw a fast ball - 1 foot off the ground.

GOTTA GO

I can honestly say that I have never seen a squirrel taking a dump.

Nope, not once, never.

I also don't know anyone who has witnessed this little mystery of nature.

Never in my life have I heard, "Hey! watch it! don't step in the squirrel crap!"

In 38 years, you'd think that at least once I'd have seen something that sets my mind at ease on this matter. But, no. Nothing.

As far as I'm concerned, women and squirrels just don't do it.

I also have never seen a dead squirrel that wasn't roadkill.

Nope, never seen a really old lookin squirrel, sprawled out in the 'last gasp' pose.

You know, diggin in the dirt, maybe got a little ringworm.

Maybe, got hold of some tainted cheese.

Could've choked, trying to impress her boyfriend with how many acorns she can hold in her cheeks.

Possibly even stepped on a bare spot while runnin across a power line.

But no, the only surefire way for squirrels to die is squirrelicide.

Poor little varment, no access to prozac, loses his desire for nut hunting, darts into traffic like a ninja. Jumping back and forth as if unable to decide to actually go through with it, until.......SPLAT.

I have my own theory theory though.

I think squirrels just eat and eat and eat, until they get so full that they just explode, POOOF!

Death......by constipation.