DRINKS ARE ON ME

I don't think I like being told by my local drinking establishment when to be happy.
Sometimes I go in, not happy at all.
And 2 for 1 draft beer and well drinks, ain't gonna change that.

#1. I hate draft beer.
#2. They call them 'well' drinks, because, well, they suck.

I, for one , am not putting the timing of my oh so fragile emotions in the hands of an industry that purposely sets their clocks wrong, and calls 4pm - 7pm happy 'hour'.
That's three hours, and if you drink well drinks for three hours, well, you won't be happy, you'll be sick. Or maybe, you're lucky enough to find a bar with "happy hour" all day Sunday.
Once again, what the bartender wrings out of a rag and serves up as half priced, all day on a Sunday, will have you yackin clear through Tuesday.

So, in Damons Drunkatorium, (that's my bar name, if I had a bar) we're gonna cover all the reasons you're in a bar.
Happy or not.

"Slightly Peeved and Perterbed Hour" - You get 60 minutes to drink your way into a memory lapse to forget the weeks stupidity. I got to go with Captain Morgan & Coke on this one.

"Emphatically Euphoric and Delighted Hour"- We'll serve up that fu-fu garbage happy people all love. Pitchers of 'fuzzy navels' or 'sex-on-the-beach' should shut 'em up.

"Crazed and Out of Your Freakin Mind Hour"- Tequila shots aaaaaalll around. Buenos noches, mi amigo.

"Anxiety and Paranoia Hour"- I figure an Irish Coffee should fill the bill. I'm pretty sure the alcohol and the caffeine cancel each other right out. Just like the voices in your head. And if it doesn't, you won't worry about being seen leaving the bar with who's left at 2 am.

"Lonely and Depressed Hour"- Just for fun, I've decided to 2 for 1 draft beer is painfully appropriate. You know, that tear in your beer thing. Oh, and each table will only have one chair, so you can sit alone in all your solitary pathetic glory.

"Totally Ticked Hour"- This could be scary. I'll have to post a disclaimer (and an armed guard). With a bar full of angry workin stiffs and enraged alcoholics, I'm servin, you guessed it, Jack Daniels and Grand Marnier. Just wind 'em up and watch 'em go.

Note : Dart league cancelled during "totally ticked hour".

Bunch more drunks over at humor-blogs.

This is how we do it

Keepin it simple. Keepin me sane.
Rock Solid Household advice.
Time saving tips.
Words to live by.

In my kingdom, the only breakfast question is, "Do you want your Pebbles -Fruity or Cocoa?"
Simplicity- at it's finest.

If it's growing in the yard, and it's green, it stays.
If it's growing in the 'fridge, and it's green, it goes.

The spaghetti is done when all the boiling water is gone.
No need for pesky timers.

The pork chops are done when the smoke detector goes off.
Once again, no pesky timer.

In the case where dinner is not pork or pasta,
dinner is ready when the first kid says, "Oh man, not Helper again."

Clean the kids rooms with a rake.
What you get is laundry, what you miss is garbage.

Whites go in hot, colors go in cold. That's it.
All them other knobs and settings don't do anything.

When the kids are good, take them for ice-cream.
When they're bad, take them to Home Depot.

Buy a Swiffer-Vac for the wood floors.
Just do it. It's awesome.

Entertaining the little nose-pickers doesn't need to be expensive.
Just last night we played a rousing game of "find the smell."
Fun, free, ...and necessary. (Believe me.)

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Click this and vote. Remember to jam your cursor down the throat of the big smiley!

How do you train to eat wieners?

Jammin wieners down your throat is not only a sport, it's a competition.
..and it makes mama so proud.
Billed as "The Rematch II - this time it's personal," because, let's face it, what's more personal than a guy who can swallow more weenie than you.

Apparently ESPN could find no other sport worthy of airtime ( I guess there was no spelling bee or cheerleading competition goin on) and decided that the gluttony on Coney Island should draw those high ratings they've been dreamin of.

These 2 skinny dudes both managed to cram 55 (that's fifty freakin five) tube shaped whoknowswhatsintheres down their gullets in 10 minutes. Forcing a 5 dog frank-off.

...And we have a winner, Joey Chestnut.

Better at eatin wienies than any fat guy in our country.

Better than any woman, at crammin meat in - and swallowin it down.

He defeated his arch nemesis Kobayachi, who blames an arthritic jaw for his downfall. (I thought getting 'turf-toe' in football was weird, but this just proves that EVERY sport has its injuries!)

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Just a bit of advice, from one dog to another, Joey. You may not want to make your accomplishments known on say, a trip to Key West or San Francisco. You would get a waaay different reception than you're expecting.

And if you're ever incarcerated, put the hush-hush on the gobblin skills.

'cause no one likes a bragger.

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Keep humor-blogs funny - click here - then click on the smiley!!!

A Dream with a Hole

The store was a mess,

from the workmen you see,

A Dunkin' Donuts kiosk,

being installed - just for me.

The weeks flew past,

as I awaited the day,

that creme-filled goodness,

would be here to stay.

That day was today,

and with much anticipation,

this store now was much more,

than just a gas station.

Sweet greatness by the dozen,

hot goodness by the cup,

I'm gettin' 9 donuts,

I hope they stocked up.

As I skipped through the doors,

like a pastry explorer,

not a donut in sight,

(imagine the horror).

No colorful sprinkles,

no chocolate eclaire,

no wonderin' how,

the creme gets in there.

They're just sellin' coffee,

they think they're Starbucks,

but without any bearclaws,

I think this just sucks.

They hurt me this mornin',

they shattered a dream,

next time there's a choice,

.....I'll buy Krispy Kreme.

If you've ever been slighted, and know of my plight,

Then just click on this, and the world will be right.

Ugly Is Only Skin Deep

In keeping with our long standing tradition as the "freak show state", Florida has once again not let me down. We are still the home of the "worlds ugliest dog" champion.

This is Gus. Grand champion of all that is ugly in the canine world.

Gus' main strengths in this category included;

He only has one eye.
He only has three legs.
He is practically hairless.
He has skin cancer.
His right ear is mangled.

There was, of course, controversy. This is the newly de-throned past champion, Sam.

(Judges huddle)

Well Sam is ugly. He's got that crazy tongue thing goin on. He's balding pretty well and shakes a lot.

Yeah, but he's only partially blind. And he has all four legs. Those are major points deductions.

And don't forget about Gus' chewed up ear and skin problems.

We have a new champ!

More funny stuff at humor-blogs.

i-got some i-deas

Dear Apple

I would like to congratulate you on your sucess with electronic devices such as the i-pod and the newer i-phone. You have brought some pretty cool technology to everyday devices and we all enjoy using your products.

In case the gurus down in the nerdatorium are looking for new i-deas for '09, I've come up with a few for your consideration:

The i-pet. All kinds of animals with OFF switches, and best of all, no food to dish out or crap to scoop up.

The i-car. Hands free driving and downloadable road rage.

The i-pad. The ladies will love it! When it's that time of the month, who wouldn't enjoy a lttle music?

The i-pon. When the i-pad just won't do.

The die-pod. Dr. Kevorkian and Texas State Penetentiary will be first in line. (and those freaky goth people when they're not whining about somethin.)

The rye-pod. Make a call, then eat the phone. It's wireless AND it's lunch.

The tie-pod. I see this as a fathers day fave.

The i-rect. This has a little somethin for everybody. He won't have to remember his viagara and she can listen to her favorite Luther Vandross tune while she's down south.

Well thanks for your i-time. Gotta go write more letters. I've got some x-rated ideas for the folks over at Wii.

These people are all x-rated.

FOR SALE!!

Summer has arrived like a Buffalo herd crossin a Croc stream, and the kiddies are probably already gettin bored.

Well friend, have I got a deal for you!

12 feet in diameter, like a gajillion springs, soft rubbery bouncy mat, ripped and faded spring guard, and most importantly-- no pesky safety netting!

All this backyard bouncy fun can be yours for $11,877!!

All I need to do is recoup my investment up to this point. (You know, the initial cost, plus any unforseen incidentals that may have come up.)

Where else can you be guaranteed* a summer full of fun and airborne children, for less than $12g's? No where.
That's where.

AAAAnnnnd, because you are such a valued reader and member of the TTKU fan club, I'm gonna ship it free! Act now, and you will receive the entire set-up at your doorstep in time for the 4th of July!

(All except for 1 really big screw which will be shipped after surgical removal in about 6 months.)

*guarantee not actually guaranteed.

There are lots of screws loose over here.