Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Does That Come With Tentacles?

There's nothing to eat around here.
Nothing good anyway.

And since I'm all out of bacon, I'll have to improvise.

I need something different, something fresh.

The problem is that there will never be anything new to eat.....EVER.

Kinda sad.

Somebody on this planet has caught, picked, speared, trapped, shot, grown, hooked, and clubbed everything there is to eat.

Then they baked, deep fried, basted, char-broiled, nuked, barbecued, blackened, double-boiled, steamed, or swallowed it whole.

It seemed that our last hope was that those doofus t.v."survivalists" would find some new species of delicious aardvark in the rain forest or at least some Antarctic caterpillar that would liven up the taste buds.
But no.
Everything they've found is either disgusting, poisonous, or tastes like chicken.
I've tried chicken. It tasted like chicken.
That's not new.

I think that's why NASA gets so much funding. They're searching for intelligent life in other galaxies,

-so we can eat them.

Oh sure, they say they're conducting valuable experiments which will further advance mankind.

I say they're lookin for food.

So until they fricasee a giant squid or saute up some bigfoot,

This is it folks. Dig in.



Ashley Ladd said...

I don't know whether to say LOL or ewe.

This reminds me of the old Twilight Zone episode in which the aliens had come to earth to eat man and were transporting them back to their planet like cattle.

Bee said...

Weeeell, we can start eating celebrities. I'd eat Brad Pitt so he could be in my tummy forever and ever. (well, until my next bowel movement.)

Alice said...

Just because they've discovered everything (maybe) doesn't mean you've tried it all. I'm sure there's scorpion-on-a-stick that's escaped your culinary adventures. Mmmmm....

Tracy said...

I'm just glad they didn't eat E.T. in the movie. I think that might have scarred me for life.
If you ever watch Bizarre Foods, we've even started looking for different coffees. Apparently, it's gotten so bad that there are people who now go out into the jungle (or forrest or whatever) and pick up the poo of some animal that eats coffee beans. Then they roast the poo beans and sell them for high dollar.
I'll stick with my 8 o'clock coffee beans.

damon said...

ashley- I'm just afraid we'll find out aliens taste like chicken.

bee- You have the Pitt platter, I'll have the Angelina appetizer!

alice- like I said, head-gross, tail-poisonous, body-tastes like chicken.

tracy- they would have eaten E.T. but he distracted them with reeses pieces!

Meg said...

You might have to rip open those bacon band-aids.

Note to Self: send band-aids.

Another Note to Self: do laundry first.

Another Note to Self: get off computer to do laundry. Damon is hungry.

btw, nice new design. said...

That is a little sad. Just think about our ancestors/fore fathers/etc. With every new adventure they were able to experience a new culinary delight. All we've got are new taco creations at Taco Bell. And really...Chicken Nuggets will be exactly the same from now until the end of time. I'm a little depressed now...thanks!


Rickey Henderson said...

Searching for life in other galaxies to eat? Nonsense. NASA's looking for life in other galaxies to bang. Like Kirk.

Chat Blanc (aka Sandy) said...

wait, what about damontrooper on a stick?? oh, no, that's a porno not a meal, my bad. (btw, what the hell has happened to my brain? it's stuck on the gutter setting. nice)

VE said...

SPAM is PEOPLE!!! SPAM is PEOPLE!!! I could die spreading that truth...

The Acorn King said...

I've found that Junior's cheesecake (from brooklyn) is the most perfect food ever. I think I'm going to invent a diet that consists solely on that and coffee.

threio said...

Hmmm, yeah, the world is coming to an end. better go find my bible.

AoE said...

I think Rickey is right ... but maybe NASA will eat them after they bang them. Sex, a nice meal, and no awkward conversation afterward ... sounds perfect!

damon said...

meg- you're STILL doin laundry?

plsf- tell taco bell that just because they fold a taco the other way doesn't mean it deserves a new name.

rickey- did you see the one where Kirk did the blue chick with three boobs? I miss star trek.

sandy- if it wasn't for the gutter setting, you wouldn't have a setting. ;)

Sully Sullivan said...

Well you better get out there and try it all before you can complain. You should start with cobra. Yeah, eat a cobra.

damon said...

ve- Good one. But are people spam?

acorn- Well, ship me dowm a hunk!

threio- Stolen waters are sweet,and bread eaten in secret is pleasant. Proverbs 9:17

aOe- hit it, quit it, and cook it?

sully- Can I get fries with that?

xup said...

Your expectations are way too high. You need to pick maybe 5 things you like a lot and just eat them All the time. ALL the time. Forget about all the food-realted possibilities and probabilities. Just eat your 5 things. Then, once in a while, when you least expect it, someone will give you a 6th thing and you'll be delighted for months.

Leeuna said...

obviously you've never tasted my cooking. Every meal is a new experience, as in "THIS is FOOD???"

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Have you ever had the 1947 Roswell alien stroganoff? It's expensive at 4 million dollars per microgram, but it doesn't taste like chicken!

By the way, thank you for adding me to your blog roll, that's very kind of you!

(I must be dense, I can't figure out what the "3 days", then "6 days" refers to in your comments.)

damon said...

xup- Excellent suggestion!! Okay, I'll pick steak, tater tots, chicken wings, bacon, and double stuf oreos. (I think I'm missin a food group)

leeuna- You can make chicken NOT taste like chicken? Pure culinary genius!

ngip- Put me down for 8 mill. worth. (in case I want seconds)

Queen Goob said...

I was just talking to someone about pig snout. How do you cook it and WHY?!?!?

...don't ask.

leigh said...

two words - soylent green.

actually, i think the last new food discovered was the encharito.

i'm wondering if it's a coincidence that i watched starship troopers on mexican tv. what are you hiding under that helmet?

Gary ("Old Dude") said...

lots of great new food out there, its a matter of Madison Avenue finding it to promote it---like hello---I had a great relationship wiht my dog--til Madison ave started the "BegginStrips" commercials---found out my dog doesn't believe in sharing---stupid animal.

loosecannon said...

As a child my dear mother once said to me:

“You have horrible taste in music”

“You have horrible taste in movies”

“You have horrible taste in friends”

“You have horrible taste in your selection of jokes”

“You have horrible taste in books”

“You do, however, have a lovely ottoman.”