Tuesday, February 19, 2008


I can honestly say that I have never seen a squirrel taking a dump.

Nope, not once, never.
I also don't know anyone who has witnessed this little mystery of nature.
Never in my life have I heard, "Hey! watch it! don't step in the squirrel crap!"
In 38 years, you'd think that at least once I'd have seen something that sets my mind at ease on this matter. But, no. Nothing.
As far as I'm concerned, women and squirrels just don't do it.

I also have never seen a dead squirrel that wasn't roadkill.
Nope, never seen a really old lookin squirrel, sprawled out in the 'last gasp' pose.
You know, diggin in the dirt, maybe got a little ringworm.
Maybe, got hold of some tainted cheese.
Could've choked, trying to impress her boyfriend with how many acorns she can hold in her cheeks.
Possibly even stepped on a bare spot while runnin across a power line.
But no, the only surefire way for squirrels to die is squirrelicide.
Poor little varment, no access to prozac, loses his desire for nut hunting, darts into traffic like a ninja. Jumping back and forth as if unable to decide to actually go through with it, until.......SPLAT.

I have my own theory theory though.
I think squirrels just eat and eat and eat, until they get so full that they just explode, POOOF!

Death......by constipation.


allofus said...

You are a sick man! Where do you come up with this stuff? Thanks, I needed the laugh. LOLOLOLOLOL

Millionaire Adventurer DB said...

I used to work for the grounds crew for my school. We'd get called a lot to get dead squirrels who crawled into transformers and got electrocuted. It seemed like a pretty rough way to go.

Also, you know who else doesn't poop? Jack Bauer. I don't think he eats either.

PG said...

I like your take on things!!

Jack Payne said...

A basic truism: The more you run over a squirrel, the flatter it gets.

Mommy Bits said...

omg. That is hilarious. You are right though. Now I have to Google it....

Wamblings said...

We have had squirrels fry themselves on our power lines. The evidence ends up on the ground under the transformer. Not a pretty site. The dogs leave them lay, preferring their squirrels still warm and kicking.

Harris said...

hey damon,

wow - i never thought of that. now i will...constantly. thanks...i guess.

rock on,


Bex said...

Hahahaha! I live in a squirrel rich area. They are constantly on my deck, in my trees, generally mocking us. But you're right...I've never seen one take a dump either.

I did, however, see a dead duck the other day. It was just laying on its' back, teats up with its' head tucked under. It was in someones yard and laid in such a curious manner that I actually got out of my car to study its' form. There were no markings on it and it didn't look like it had crashed...but I did find myself wondering how old it was. It looked youngish to me but what the hell do I know. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who thinks about this kind of stuff!

damon said...

This is the kind of mind numbing nonsense that keeps me awake at night. It's a gift and a sickness!

Anonymous said...

would you like a little barbeque squirrel on a stick? side of hushpuppies and a cold beer? i saw a couple laid out on the road that are ready for grilling. :)


BusyDad said...

you should write a book man. Astute observation, my friend.

Keli said...

I'm here as a witness to squirrel poop. I haven't actually viewed squirrel poop in progress (they're very private, I understand).
I have a chicken coop (with chickens, of course); squirrels regard cracked corn as a great delicacy, so the minute I turn my back, they're in there, eating the chicken food, and doing their duty.

Judi said...

I have never *witnessed* a squirrel doing his business.. but we had a squirrel living in our garage last winter and believe me.. they DO do their do-do... ugh..

Judi said...

forgot to add *Madaise ~ Blog Hopper*

And.. I stumbled.. just too cute not to.

J. Corbelli said...

I saw a dead squirrel once. It was on a fire. The poor little feller must have breathed in the super-hot air and fallen from a high branch. All his fur was in tact, but, yep, he was dead all right. We buried him and stuck a cross into the ground upside down. Three days later we visited the burial site, only to find that another fellow firefighter had taken a dump right next to the deceased. I laughed. But it was very sad.