Friday, July 18, 2008

DRINKS ARE ON ME

I don't think I like being told by my local drinking establishment when to be happy.
Sometimes I go in, not happy at all.
And 2 for 1 draft beer and well drinks, ain't gonna change that.

#1. I hate draft beer.
#2. They call them 'well' drinks, because, well, they suck.

I, for one , am not putting the timing of my oh so fragile emotions in the hands of an industry that purposely sets their clocks wrong, and calls 4pm - 7pm happy 'hour'.
That's three hours, and if you drink well drinks for three hours, well, you won't be happy, you'll be sick. Or maybe, you're lucky enough to find a bar with "happy hour" all day Sunday.
Once again, what the bartender wrings out of a rag and serves up as half priced, all day on a Sunday, will have you yackin clear through Tuesday.

So, in Damons Drunkatorium, (that's my bar name, if I had a bar) we're gonna cover all the reasons you're in a bar.
Happy or not.

"Slightly Peeved and Perterbed Hour" - You get 60 minutes to drink your way into a memory lapse to forget the weeks stupidity. I got to go with Captain Morgan & Coke on this one.

"Emphatically Euphoric and Delighted Hour"- We'll serve up that fu-fu garbage happy people all love. Pitchers of 'fuzzy navels' or 'sex-on-the-beach' should shut 'em up.

"Crazed and Out of Your Freakin Mind Hour"- Tequila shots aaaaaalll around. Buenos noches, mi amigo.

"Anxiety and Paranoia Hour"- I figure an Irish Coffee should fill the bill. I'm pretty sure the alcohol and the caffeine cancel each other right out. Just like the voices in your head. And if it doesn't, you won't worry about being seen leaving the bar with who's left at 2 am.

"Lonely and Depressed Hour"- Just for fun, I've decided to 2 for 1 draft beer is painfully appropriate. You know, that tear in your beer thing. Oh, and each table will only have one chair, so you can sit alone in all your solitary pathetic glory.

"Totally Ticked Hour"- This could be scary. I'll have to post a disclaimer (and an armed guard). With a bar full of angry workin stiffs and enraged alcoholics, I'm servin, you guessed it, Jack Daniels and Grand Marnier. Just wind 'em up and watch 'em go.

Note : Dart league cancelled during "totally ticked hour".

Bunch more drunks over at humor-blogs.

15 comments:

PG said...

in Massachusetts we get nothing and like it. No happy hour. Well they have happy hour, but no drink specials. against our Puritan beliefs or some such garbage. Or it might be that we are all incorrigible alcoholics and can't be trusted with drink specials.

Alice said...

Damons Drunkatorium is the best bar name EVER. I'll be there for "Slightly Peeved and Perterbed Hour". Fill'er up.

The Nemesing One said...

My friend, the image of a dark, dingy bar with only 1 chair at each table, each with some pathetic, lonely bastard hunched over his sickly looking draft beer, makes me laugh so hard I start crying and wishing I was there, at one of those tables with a draft in hand, wishing I were dead.

THopgood said...

I'd like you to add a "Mid-Life Crisis Hour" complete with chocolate raspberry martinis on the house....

momjeansblogger said...

Love the "Lonely and Depressed Hour". But, instead of 2 for one beers, why not add salt to the wound and make it 2 beers for the price of 2?

Meg said...

Is there any change you'd have hot young guys mixing the drinks during "Lonely and Depressed Hour"?

Drowsey Monkey said...

LOL ... all excellent suggestions. I sure they have a suggestion box just dying for these.

The Irish Coffee sounds like one I may partake in. ;)

leigh said...

damon, you crack me up.

also, nice job on the profile comment on HB.

Bee said...

I'm voting for "Crazed and Out of Your Freakin Mind Hour"
Te kill ahhhhhhhh!
Oops! I'm already there!

Pappy McSlappy said...

I am with the Nemesing One up there. Being in a bar alone is bad enough. But sitting at a table with only one chair...my word. It is so fitting. I will buy stock in Damon's Drunkatorium...as long as I get my own solo table, of course.

April said...

sign me up for,
"Slightly Peeved and Perterbed Hour"

Deb said...

I suggest extending the time for "Crazed and OUt of Your Freakin Mind Hour" to be "Crazed and Out of Your Freaking Mind Friday night- Saturday at Noonish" at which time "Wish You Were Dead Hour" begins.

Diesel said...

Damon's Drunkatorium is a kickass name. No mincing words here!

Tracy said...

I love the name of your bar but may I make a suggestion? Ok, good.

What about the Frazzled Stay-At-Home parent hour where we need something fast acting because we could only find a sitter for one hour?
What would you serve for that?

The Hypocritical One said...

Great stuff. You did forget "drink just to stay normal hour" where all you serve is scotch.