Thursday, March 27, 2008


Yes, it's that time of year again.

Time for that Canadian Mecca-like pilgrimage to my little hometown.
Now I'm a reasonable guy, (well, not really) but I'm gonna help you out with a few tips, pointers, and a few ground rules to smooth the inevitable tourist/local friction that accompanies your little uninvited ass.
Until Florida officially changes its state motto to "the come as you are state", let's keep in mind a few things. That 'black socks with sandals' look that is apparently so popular where you live, is no longer allowed here. Although hilarious to see, I took a vote, and you lost. 1-0.
And that neon Hawaiian floral print moo-moo?, that's out too. As a general guideline to save us all, if you wouldn't wear it at home, don't wear it here.

My rules. I make 'em up.

Consideration is key.
Keep in mind that just because your bright white, soon to be sunburned ass is on vacation, doesn't mean everyone else is.
Buy map, read map, study map, then proceed to destination.
Renting one of these stupid go-cart thingys does not mean I won't run your ass off the road.
As a matter of fact, I'm gunnin for you.

And just 'cause you see a pelican does not mean you can stop in the middle of the damn street to get a picture of it.
That's not the only pelican left.
I promise, there's more.
You also should know that all those shells and starfish on the beach are ours! They're there for our kids to find (and throw at you). Your shells are for sale at that brightly painted souvenir stand with the palm tree roof and the bathing suit mannequins with no heads.
Hey, and while you're there, hows about pickin up a coconut monkey, a rubber alligator, a seashell lamp, a shark tooth necklace, a 'life's a beach' towel, a new pair of flip-flops, and a 55 gallon drum of sunblock?
Our economy is a smidge tight, we need the dough.


VE said...

That's funny. That would drive me insane to have tourists all around me all the time.

April said...

I'm not sure how you deal with the mass concentration of old people, let alone the tourists?!

leigh said...

dude! where did you get that picture of my DAD on a moped?!!

over here on our side of the gulf we call your side the redneck riviera...which is a lot like the pot calling the kettle black, only your sand's better.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I live where Leigh lives. We have Galveston Island-home of the tar-streaked beaches and stinging jellyfish delights.

Bee said...

There's nothing I love more than going to downtown Chicago and seeing all the little Asian tourists almost falling over backwards trying to take pictures of the skyscrapers.

We buy popcorn, sit at a bench and laugh.

Miss Ann Thrope said...

My dad lives in Florida. So I consider myself NOT to be a tourist. I'm a... um... FAMILY VISITOR.

And my muumuu is bright yellow. So I can look like a big fat banana-mama, donchaknow.

Ashley Ladd said...

As a fellow Floridian, I totally concur! Here here!

I vote we send all the tourists and snow birds home where they belong.

I wish I could laugh. Sometimes I do, but mostly, I'm swearing that they're clogging my way to and from work and keeping me from the beach as I can't find a parking space within a mile's walk.

Keli said...

I hope you don't mind, but I've already printed out your rules and nailed them to the wall of our local golf course which is where the Canadian pilgrimage takes place on the West Coast (at least in the California town where I live). We politely refer to them as "snowbirds" here. I added one more rule:
Move your fat ass when strolling down the middle of the parking lot unless you want a flat ass.

shelli said...

HMMMM...Do you think there is a corelation between tourists showing up, and the sale of Peeps? Just one more thing to blame on those rancid little creatures:)

Tara R. said...

I am so with you on this... I live near Destin FL and tourist season / Spring Break is in full swing here.... scary times.

blog hoppin' - etcetera

THopgood said...

Blog hop'n here and just had to come say thankyou for the laugh! I'm love'n your blog! Funny stuff you got here.

PS - I'll be visiting your fine state from Michigan in about 3 weeks! I'll be the one in the neon green moomoo with the bag of sea shells sitting on the fancy rented contraption!

KayFour said...

I moved to Virginia Beach last July. I soooooo miss the influx of tourists to my native Florida. It was the BEST entertainment...sitting on the sand and watching to see what the sutpid tourists would do next.

I didn't even own a TV. Who needs it with such great entertainment at hand?