Friday, January 25, 2008


Typical day at work on the construction site;

4 finish carpenters.
5 frame carpenters.
3 stone masons.
2 tile setters.
2 dock installers.
5 painters.
2 plasterers.

1 portable toilet.

That's bad math.
Potentially infectious, possibly disastrous, assuredly odorous, bad, bad, math.

But our shining knight, with his 650 gallon capacity, silver tanked steed, and his p.t.o. driven, on-board suction hose, gallops to the olfactory gland rescue every Tuesday and Friday. Never a complaint, sometimes a grumble, but always dilligent about his doody.

It makes me wonder.
Is outhouse cleaner is a career goal for some people? I don't recall any booth at any job fairs. My high school guidance counselor never brought it up as a possible future for me. (If he did, I would have smacked the crap out of him - .......pun intended). I also don't know anyone who has applied for the gig. Maybe they are raising a whole clone army of crapper suckers in an underground bunker? Who knows?

The way I figure it, this guy cannot possibly get paid enough. I don't know what kind of qualifications this job would require, or what port-o-man cleaner brings home after taxes, but I'm glad someones doin it. ..and I'm glad it ain't me. 'Cause if you work in a pizza place, you go home smellin like pizza. If you work in a fish market, chances are you're smellin like trout. But this job would require you be married to some noseless Muppet. And Muppets scare me.

Seriously, I think I would have to charge $10,000 for each port-o-can service. I figure once a month I'd don my hazardous material suit and gas mask, do the dirty deed, collect my 10 g's per, and be livin on easy street. Or, I'd count and rate all of the quickie-marts and fast-food joints within 2 miles of the job-site, and proportion my fee accordingly.

For example:
# of convenient stores within 2 mile radius - - - 4
# of fast food restaraunts in same radius - - - - 3
average overall gut wrecking rating - - - - - - 255
cost of gas mask filters - - - - - - - - - - - - - - $15
stinkability factor (constant) - - - - - - - - - - 100

So in this case;
4+3( 255/15 ) x 100 = 7 (17) x 100 = 119 x 100 = $11,900 per.

.....and that's math I can live with !


Three-Hole Punch Version of DB said...

A well-crafted post about poo. Well done, sir. Well done.

DrowseyMonkey said...

I'm really starting to think men think way to much about some stuff...LOL

LOBO said...

Fantastic funny post.

-And yes, there are guys that have to maintain them things. I knew a guy promoted -yes eagerly promoted- to do it for a unionized railroad.

It paid about $200 a day.

God bless, he was worth every penny.

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

My oldest was a late reader. But it seems to me he caught on right after I explained to him that the people driving those port-a-john trucks were probably people who hadn't learned to read well.

damonm55 said...

DB- Thank you my friend. poo posts are not easy.

DM- Hey, I calls 'em as I sees 'em.

Lobo- $200 a day? You should teach him my formula.

SC- Keep the son off the poop truck and the daughter off the pole. That's just good parenting.