Thursday, April 10, 2008

It's Hip To Be Square

The weather has been absolutely great.

Which means two things.
Time for the sun-worshippers to hit the beaches
and time for dustin off the Hog.

That's right, every middle-aged, balding, overweight, yuppie who owns a Harley will soon be cruisin the streets of Mytown, U.S.A. in all their wanna-be glory.

The transformation begins at the local Harley dealership. Where polyester suit and tie are traded for the trademark Harley 'mandana' and a pair of leather chaps.
(Don't want to get frostbite on your legs ridin around in Florida)
They then, I assume, check your credit, check you for the grey/black goatee, and check that you are truly having a mid-life crisis.
You will then straddle 1600cc's of American made roarin' steel, with a saleswoman telling you just how wild and free you look on there and how young and dangerous you must be to be considering the 'Harley' lifestyle. And let's face it, since you've never ridden a bike before, you are gonna need the heaviest bike with tons of horsepower.

Consider this, pinhead.
You are old.
You are lame.
We are laughing at you.
You'd be better off driving around in a convertible, with the top down and the windows up.
And why not buy one of those cool helmets with the horns or the big spike on top?
That would make you the coolest guy on your block.
Don't get me wrong, the bike is bad-ass. Please, park it where I can check it out.
But then hide, so I'm not distracted by the walking stack of dork.

One question though, lame-o,
What is the penalty for riding a Harley without wearing a Harley t-shirt?
It must be pretty stiff, because no one rides without sportin the logo.

Wonder if it's safe to drive my truck without a Ford shirt.

Just wonderin.


what's a donzer said...

I'm there with you. However, I'm also there with chaps wearers. It's revolutionary: airing out your ass heat? Of course! Indeed, I have cut out the asses of all of my pants. Who cares if my knees are sweating when my crack is breathing free?

THopgood said...

HEY HEY! Now don't be humiliat'n my one true treasured source of comedy. It's spring around here and I need a laugh damn it!

Bee said...

My in-laws have a trailer @ at a campground where they hang out in the summer, it’s here in Illinois so don’t worry about them being an eyesore, my father-in-law is an iron worker.

He and his buddies sit outside their trailer making fun of the city folk that pretend to be bikers. He once said to me, “You know how you tell the difference between a real biker and rich faker? The bitch in the back is wearing heels and has a stick up her ass!”


It always changes so I can’t wait to hear what the new way to tell is this year.


Alice said...

Yeah..everything you said...and what's up with riding on the dividing line of the road? Grrr... thanks for making my road rage flare...

Mrs. R said...

That's how you can tell winter is officially over in the Midwest--you start hearing the roar of Harleys. This winter has been so long I had actually forgotten about that, so thanks for reminding me. Something else to look forward to with the tornadoes.

liz said...

Always a guaranteed giggle, D!..Thanks for the pick-me-up!

VE said...

Go get some "Baby on Board" stickers and slap one on their hogs when they aren't looking. Ha ha ha ha

Jeff said...

Funny. I just fired up my bike last night. Now, as soon as the snow melts I'll be all over it ;-)

Shieldmaiden96 said...

The chaps have nothing to do with the weather; but they do offer a nanosecond of protection when you lay it over and you are surfing blacktop, before the leather wears off, the denim wears off, and, as you skid to a stop trailing sparks and fuel, you are down to the meat.
If only the fecktards would wear helmets; it makes the crash scene a little easier for us EMTs to clean up.

leigh said...


once again, you've managed to get a post that's almost 5 months old onto the front page.

my last post got three measly comments. i must be losing my touch.