Ugly Is Only Skin Deep

In keeping with our long standing tradition as the "freak show state", Florida has once again not let me down. We are still the home of the "worlds ugliest dog" champion.

This is Gus. Grand champion of all that is ugly in the canine world.

Gus' main strengths in this category included;

He only has one eye.
He only has three legs.
He is practically hairless.
He has skin cancer.
His right ear is mangled.

There was, of course, controversy. This is the newly de-throned past champion, Sam.

(Judges huddle)

Well Sam is ugly. He's got that crazy tongue thing goin on. He's balding pretty well and shakes a lot.

Yeah, but he's only partially blind. And he has all four legs. Those are major points deductions.

And don't forget about Gus' chewed up ear and skin problems.

We have a new champ!

More funny stuff at humor-blogs.

i-got some i-deas

Dear Apple

I would like to congratulate you on your sucess with electronic devices such as the i-pod and the newer i-phone. You have brought some pretty cool technology to everyday devices and we all enjoy using your products.

In case the gurus down in the nerdatorium are looking for new i-deas for '09, I've come up with a few for your consideration:

The i-pet. All kinds of animals with OFF switches, and best of all, no food to dish out or crap to scoop up.

The i-car. Hands free driving and downloadable road rage.

The i-pad. The ladies will love it! When it's that time of the month, who wouldn't enjoy a lttle music?

The i-pon. When the i-pad just won't do.

The die-pod. Dr. Kevorkian and Texas State Penetentiary will be first in line. (and those freaky goth people when they're not whining about somethin.)

The rye-pod. Make a call, then eat the phone. It's wireless AND it's lunch.

The tie-pod. I see this as a fathers day fave.

The i-rect. This has a little somethin for everybody. He won't have to remember his viagara and she can listen to her favorite Luther Vandross tune while she's down south.

Well thanks for your i-time. Gotta go write more letters. I've got some x-rated ideas for the folks over at Wii.

These people are all x-rated.

FOR SALE!!

Summer has arrived like a Buffalo herd crossin a Croc stream, and the kiddies are probably already gettin bored.

Well friend, have I got a deal for you!

12 feet in diameter, like a gajillion springs, soft rubbery bouncy mat, ripped and faded spring guard, and most importantly-- no pesky safety netting!

All this backyard bouncy fun can be yours for $11,877!!

All I need to do is recoup my investment up to this point. (You know, the initial cost, plus any unforseen incidentals that may have come up.)

Where else can you be guaranteed* a summer full of fun and airborne children, for less than $12g's? No where.
That's where.

AAAAnnnnd, because you are such a valued reader and member of the TTKU fan club, I'm gonna ship it free! Act now, and you will receive the entire set-up at your doorstep in time for the 4th of July!

(All except for 1 really big screw which will be shipped after surgical removal in about 6 months.)

*guarantee not actually guaranteed.

There are lots of screws loose over here.

No Octopii in Pittsburgh

Good news! Red Wings are Stanley Cup champions!!!

Bad news! No hockey for 3 months.

Now being a dedicated Tampa Bay Lightning fan, I had no real emotional stake in this.

But the Penguins pissed me right off and sent Monday nights game 5 into TRIPLE overtime.

Normally, I don't stay up that late unless there's a good buzz or some good nookie involved.

So, for keeping me awake until 1:00, and not seeing the Stanley Cup paraded around the rink in Detroit....

Take that Penguins.

...I hope you enjoyed being punked on home ice.

Click this for more punks.

Youth Gone Wild?

Technology has ruined the youth of our country.
Yeah, I said it.
They are laaazzy.
They spend their time on-line or attached to a video game, instead of doing their duty - as kids.
Bein' laaazzy.

But Damon, how do you know this?
What makes you an expert on teenage culture?

Three observations. That's what.

#1. Driving through my neighborhood I came across this mailbox.
Pretty cool, I thought.
But then it, dawned on me...
In my day Mr. Gator here, would have lost his head via Louisville Slugger about 2 days after we noticed it.
Todays kids just don't take the time to see that the neck is the weak point, and a not so precise blow, right above the nostril, would easily send his head onto the neighbors porch.


#2. There are some sweet-ass oak trees all over my fair city.
Beggin, just beggin, for a T-P job.
But, no.
Todays youth would rather tease you into therapy or give you an on-line virus, than put forth an honest act of playful vandalism.
..and that's just sad, because wikipedia even has directions for exactly how it's done!

#3. There are entirely too many power lines around here without shoes hangin from them. I can recall spendin most of a summers morn, pinning little Mikey down, stealin his shoes, and tying the laces together for a flight up to telephone line heaven.

But those days are gone.

And all we are left with....

are the memories.

humor-blogs smacks heads off gators

Oh, Hell Yeah

If you live in California, cancel your weekend plans!

Think about it.
Would you rather show up to your boring ass job on Monday and say, "I did a little yard work and then watched reruns of MASH until the hot pocket I cooked Tuesday finally cooled off enough to eat", or would you rather say, " I watched some drunk carpenters race their chainsaws, angle grinders, belt sanders and circular saws, down a home-made wooden dragstrip."


Choice is yours.
(Choose wisely)

May17-18. San Franciscos' Ace International Speedway.

Be there.

These geniuses hook up some of the best house wreckin, wall buildin, wood workin, electric driven, powertools, with guidewheels, redneck attitudes, and serve 'em up with a side order of damn straight.

Some dragsters are air powered, some are electric, all are freakin awesome.

Drag racers, however, are Pabst Blue Ribbon, Jack Daniels, or Tecate powered, and all are borderline certifiable.

Tip for newcomers:

DO NOT STAND ANYWHERE NEAR THE FINISH LINE.

Gettin a good look at the photo finish of a racer with 6 saw blades spinning at 3000 rpm is probably a bad idea.

Check out the video. Sweeeeeeet.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tG5kWmJKoos

And click for me- http://www.humor-blogs.com/ or we'll make you hold the checkered flag!

Not much to love..

Love bugs.

Or is it Lovebugs.

These little sex-crazed bastards are everywhere. Flying around like a two-headed lab experiment gone wrong. Decorating car fronts, radiators, and anything that they can possibly smack into.

If only Ford would make trucks with a teflon coating, maybe the front of my ride wouldn't look like it was a bug guts depository.

And maybe I could see out my windshield. Oh yeah, the wipers help. Help smear the innards and wings from paint ball splat, to loooong arched stripe. Nice heh?

Some people suggest puttin a layer of cookin oil on your hood, so the smushed entrails don't stick to your paint job. Or even a better suggestion I've heard, don't drive during the day.

So these people want me to drive around at night with a greased up front end, like a horny vampire, and look for a job on the midnight shift. All in the name of love bug preservation.

There is a beauty to them though.

The female only lives three days.

She hatches, hooks her ass up to the closest male, gets a free ride flyin backwards while they do it, and if they can avoid bein smashed on a windshield, lays eggs, then dies.

So basically, she hooks in, hangs on, shuts up, and passes away.

See the beauty?