GREED

A famous man once quoted his mama and said, "A man only needs so much money to live, and the rest is just for show. " I think Mr. Gump was right.

My morning routine was off to a stellar start. You've been there. Perfect ratio of sugar/creamer to 7-11's finest mountain roast java. The last sprinkly donut sitting there waiting for you in the little pastry aquarium. The store is packed, yet there is only one person in the checkout line ahead of you. It's breakfast-time bliss with a side of hashbrowns.
But I am even-steven. The symbionic relationship between my expectations and my reality was once again about to kick me in crotch.
I would (reluctantly) have traded half my sprinkly donut to be in line ahead of the only person between me and the gold medal for the convenient store relay.
She stood at the counter, in all her AARP glory. Hair in beehive perfection. Diamonds dangling from every wrinkled limb. Rolex watch. Tailor-made pantsuit. Mercedes key chain hanging from her Gucci purse. Standing there. Mocking my possible achievement.
For, as blatant as she was with her display of wealth, she had a portfolio binder which housed 20 minutes worth of lotto tickets. Lotto, Fantasy 5, Play4, Pick 3, you name it-I'm gonna be here a while.
I find it difficult to imagine what her financial requirements actually are, or how much more this woman needs to prove her more-money-than-you lifestyle. All I could do is stand there, feel a little sorry for her, and imagine what she'd look like with a slurpee on her head. Dripping with lemon-lime goodness. Soaked to the facelift with blue-raspberry. Drowning in wild-cherry.

Todays lesson:
Greed is bad. Ambition is good. Sprinkly donuts reign supreme.

POINT OF VIEW

After reading one of my favorite blogs (Life of Cinematic Moments), it occurred to me how much I miss the snow. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how much fun it was for me but how hard it was for my parents. Once the first big snowstorm hit, the difference was point of view.

Kids: Let's make snow angels!
Adults: Damn it's cold outside.

Kids: Let's have a snowball fight!
Adults: I hate shoveling snow.

Kids: Let's make a snowman!
Adults: Now you know the cars not gonna start.

Kids: Try to catch a snowflake on your tongue!
Adults: Can you train a dog to get the mail?

Kids: Let's go ride the sled on the hill!
Adults: We should have gone to Florida with my frequent flyer miles.

Kids: Look at the icicles over the garage!
Adults: That damn neighbor never returned my snowblower.

Kids: It's gonna be a white Christmas!
Adults: Crap, the pipes are frozen.

Kids: I peed my name in the snow!
Adults: Who's been playing with the thermostat!

Kids: Let's put snow in dads boots again!
Adults: Those kids better not have put snow in my boots again.

X-MAS IN DA HOOD

This was taken in a government housing project in Largetto, Fla.
Looks like someone has been selling their food stamps.

COMFTUBLY NUMB

It's Tuesday.
Feels like Monday.
Tuesday has no feel of it's own.
Rather it borrows a tad of either Mondays 'don't wanna be here' vibe or Wednesdays 'hump day' stupidity.
Tuesday.
No one looks foward to it, no one looks back on it.
A weekday filler.
One more 24 hour span of non-weekendedness to endure.
Melancholy at best, as if to have ingested fourteen rotted molars worth of novacane to the brain, I endure.
Don't know what to do next and can't remember what I did last.
So I sit,
going through the motions.
Hold up, wait a minute.
Christmas cookies from my electrician.
Somehow, it now feels like a Thursday.

DOODLE ART

OOOOOHHH, Who lives in the projects down under the sea....

(equal opportunity Spongebob)

DON'T FORGET THE LYRICS

So, I'm listening to Christmas songs on the radio with the kiddies. We got stuck on a lyric to "Deck the Halls", and decided to check it out on the ol' one-horse sleigh superhighway. We actually found more than we bargained for.

Deck the Halls- "Troll the ancient yuletide carol, falalalala lalalala."

(Songs about trolls scare me.)

Jingle Bells - ..."he got into a drifted bank, and we, we got upsot"

I don't know what this means, but I'm not going to get upsot about it.

12 Days of Christmas - "8 maids-a-milking"

Sounds to me like someones re-gifting! Anyone who gives you this is probably not you're true love. Break up with them quick, because the partridge told me in two days you're getting "10 lords-a-leaping", and that's just wrong.

Santa Claus is Comin to Town- "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're

awake..." Santas gonna be in jail, and his mugshot they will take. Stalker.

T'was the Night Before Christmas - ..."while visions of sugarplums danced in their heads"

See? Egg-nogg does have halucinogenic side effects. And by the way, even the Keebler elves don't know what a sugarplum is.

Here We Come A' Wassailing - Didn't even get past the title of this one. But know this, I have never and will never wassail, and anyone who comes a'wassailing near me is gonna get hurt.

We Wish You A Merry Christmas - (2nd verse) "We want some friggy pudding, Please bring it right here". I didn't even friggy know there was a friggy second verse. And how can you have any friggy pudding, if you don't eat your meat? (Pink Floyd and friggy pudding- good times my friends- good times.)

ROAD RAGE , (LITERALLY)

As I try to negotiate traffic in my daily commute to and from here and there, one things got me more perplexed than a cross eyed hippo trying to ride a three wheeled skateboard. Why is every road I drive on under construction? I have had it with the detours, the barricades, and being behind the rock bouncing dumptruck.

And don't get me started on the guy holding the slow/stop sign playing God with who is late for work and who isn't. Is this a career you apply for? Does anyone know what it takes to land this gig? It is disturbing to me that a person whose job description is "hold sign here - spin when necessary", can back up traffic with the flick of the wrist.

I think the worst thing to be in Pinellas County, Florida - is a bridge. Your days are numbered my concrete, water spanning friend. It seems to me that if sailboat manufacturers would have spent 8 minutes with the original bridge builder, the height issue may have come up, and we wouldn't be replacing EVERY bridge around here.

I'm also not fooled by the generator powered lights. Maybe it's easier to poorly make roads at night, when you're tired, and when you have been leaning on your shovel all day. I don't know, just spitballin here.

Just to let everyone know, I wash my truck every other weekend. The department of transportation is aware of this. How do I know? They create huge clouds of concrete dust,
pump water across the streets, or paint the stripes on the road, every other Monday. Murphy's Law right up the old tailpipe.