DON'T FORGET THE LYRICS

So, I'm listening to Christmas songs on the radio with the kiddies. We got stuck on a lyric to "Deck the Halls", and decided to check it out on the ol' one-horse sleigh superhighway. We actually found more than we bargained for.

Deck the Halls- "Troll the ancient yuletide carol, falalalala lalalala."

(Songs about trolls scare me.)

Jingle Bells - ..."he got into a drifted bank, and we, we got upsot"

I don't know what this means, but I'm not going to get upsot about it.

12 Days of Christmas - "8 maids-a-milking"

Sounds to me like someones re-gifting! Anyone who gives you this is probably not you're true love. Break up with them quick, because the partridge told me in two days you're getting "10 lords-a-leaping", and that's just wrong.

Santa Claus is Comin to Town- "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're

awake..." Santas gonna be in jail, and his mugshot they will take. Stalker.

T'was the Night Before Christmas - ..."while visions of sugarplums danced in their heads"

See? Egg-nogg does have halucinogenic side effects. And by the way, even the Keebler elves don't know what a sugarplum is.

Here We Come A' Wassailing - Didn't even get past the title of this one. But know this, I have never and will never wassail, and anyone who comes a'wassailing near me is gonna get hurt.

We Wish You A Merry Christmas - (2nd verse) "We want some friggy pudding, Please bring it right here". I didn't even friggy know there was a friggy second verse. And how can you have any friggy pudding, if you don't eat your meat? (Pink Floyd and friggy pudding- good times my friends- good times.)

ROAD RAGE , (LITERALLY)

As I try to negotiate traffic in my daily commute to and from here and there, one things got me more perplexed than a cross eyed hippo trying to ride a three wheeled skateboard. Why is every road I drive on under construction? I have had it with the detours, the barricades, and being behind the rock bouncing dumptruck.

And don't get me started on the guy holding the slow/stop sign playing God with who is late for work and who isn't. Is this a career you apply for? Does anyone know what it takes to land this gig? It is disturbing to me that a person whose job description is "hold sign here - spin when necessary", can back up traffic with the flick of the wrist.

I think the worst thing to be in Pinellas County, Florida - is a bridge. Your days are numbered my concrete, water spanning friend. It seems to me that if sailboat manufacturers would have spent 8 minutes with the original bridge builder, the height issue may have come up, and we wouldn't be replacing EVERY bridge around here.

I'm also not fooled by the generator powered lights. Maybe it's easier to poorly make roads at night, when you're tired, and when you have been leaning on your shovel all day. I don't know, just spitballin here.

Just to let everyone know, I wash my truck every other weekend. The department of transportation is aware of this. How do I know? They create huge clouds of concrete dust,
pump water across the streets, or paint the stripes on the road, every other Monday. Murphy's Law right up the old tailpipe.

TOYS FOR TOTS

Went Christmas shopping for the little "darlings" this weekend. Didn't actually get much but I did notice, things have changed since I was a kid. Everything is designed to stimulate the underdeveloped noggin of these kids to the point of actually placing" anti-seizure" warnings on stuff. Some other stuff caught my eye too...

G.I. Joe has obviously been taking steroids since I last saw him.

If it doesn't move by itself, you're kids won't like it.

Kids only get Tinkertoys if they're bad. I got them for bein a good boy.

Toys R Us doesn't sell Big Wheels or Green Machines.

Way too many toys are "collectors editions". Can we play with 'em?

Everything has some assembly required. I guess"made in China" means "you do it".

Lincoln logs are hidden in the corner on the bottom shelf. They suck anyway.

"Pong" was only for rich spoiled kids. Now there's a whole electronics section for rich spoiled kids.

Our kids can't get the recommended daily allowance of lead by chewing their toys.

They actually make a doll that takes a dump. Oooh what fun for your little princess.

......silly putty still tastes the same.

MORE POETRY

A boy in his room had once said;

"There's a sticker book under my bed!",

I left him alone, as I talked on the phone,

and now there's a chicken on his head.

I BEEN THINKIN

I think about thinking about things.

I think life is not at all like a box of chocolates.

I think by now we should all be riding around in flying cars, as promised.

I think Nick at Nite should rerun "What's Happenin". (hay-HAY-hay)

I think it must be reeeeeally easy to get a cab drivers license.

I think Elvis is dead.

I think the invention of the big gulp cup with the little bottom for cupholders was pure genius.

I think there should be more foods on sticks.

I think robots should clean my house.

I think Hollywood has completely run out of things to make movies about.

I think kids should come with an "off" button.

I think bigfoot is real and we should leave him alone.

I think if you go to jail, chances are the guy you've been warned about is not named "Bubba".

I think they should re-survey the 4 out of 5 dentists who recommend sugarless gum.

I think Samuel L. Jackson is the baddest mo-fo on the planet.

I think Michael Jackson looks like Peter Pan.

I think marriage is the leading cause of divorce in this country.

I think that if you have 1 problem, a pill with 17 side effects aint the answer.

I think realistically Slater would have pummelled Screech at orientation.

I think I'm done.

FOOTBALL FOR IDIOTS

The only pre-game commentary you'll ever need;

(cue the music)

If they're gonna be successful tonight, they need to get the ball up the field, by making first downs and moving the chains. They must establish the run with a balanced passing game. They need to put points on the board, keep their defense off the field, pick up the blitz, and give the quarterback time in the pocket.

Someones got to step up, someones got to block down, someones got to close the gaps, and someones got to pick up the screen.

They need to control the clock, control the tempo, control the ball, and control the line of scrimmage.

They should be able to convert third downs with their west coast offense, and use their two minute drill against the nickel defense.

They can't afford any penalties, they can't allow any touchdowns, they can't leave the receivers open, and they can't turn the ball over.

They gotta watch the short pass, they gotta watch the long bomb, they gotta watch the reverse, and gotta watch for the quarterback sneak.

They can't be afraid to go over the middle,(under the safety), or run it up the gut and down the sideline.

Though they've been plagued by injuries, if they stick to their original game-plan, they should be effective if they use the shot-gun after the 2 minute warning.

Back to you Dan......

A GENIUS INVENTION

Funny Pics at pYzam.com

Defensive driving is important. In Florida, it's manditory. From the lost tourist pointing out every pelican he sees, to the 115 year old who graces our streets at 25 mph during rush hour, you're in trouble just startin the car. And don't forget about mr. cell phone guy, mrs. make-up, mr. c.d. changer, or mr. I paid more for this stereo than I did for this car. It's just a pleasure to share my streets with all of them. So, after my last near death experience with one of Floridas finest rolling roadblocks, I decided to take some action.

Since we can't change bad driving habits, I am working on a better solution. A way to help avoid accidents and minimize road rage. Here's what I got so far.

There should be some kind of device that lets other drivers know what you are up to. I figure this device should probably be on the outside of the car so others can see it easily. I could ask car manufacturers to install it on all cars, so we'd all have it. Maybe a light or something. Possibly a blinking light. And I'd put it on all four corners of the car, so everyone around me could see it. It also should be simple to operate, like a small lever on the steering column, so even more-ons can work it. Yeah, I think I'm on to something here. I just don't know what I should call it...