Rut Roh.

Okay, ....necessities.

2 bottles Captain Morgan private stock rum. ---check.

4 boxes Nabisco double-stuf Oreos. ---check.

6 boxes Hot fudge sundae flavored pop tarts. ----check.

3 12 packs caffeine-free Diet Coke. -----check.

5 cases zephyrhills bottle water. -----check

Extra supply of batteries, candles, and rum (better safe than sober). ----check.

Throw potential projectiles over fence into neighbors yard. (lawn chairs etc..) ---check.



Invite blog friends over to board up windows tonight. ------- check?


Click here to volunteer. (bring your own damn pop-tarts)

Does That Come With Tentacles?

There's nothing to eat around here.

Nothing good anyway.

And since I'm all out of bacon, I'll have to improvise.

I need something different, something fresh.

The problem is that there will never be anything new to eat.....EVER.

Kinda sad.

Somebody on this planet has caught, picked, speared, trapped, shot, grown, hooked, and clubbed everything there is to eat.

Then they baked, deep fried, basted, char-broiled, nuked, barbecued, blackened, double-boiled, steamed, or swallowed it whole.

It seemed that our last hope was that those doofus t.v."survivalists" would find some new species of delicious aardvark in the rain forest or at least some Antarctic caterpillar that would liven up the taste buds.

But no.

Everything they've found is either disgusting, poisonous, or tastes like chicken.

I've tried chicken. It tasted like chicken.

That's not new.

I think that's why NASA gets so much funding. They're searching for intelligent life in other galaxies,

-so we can eat them.

Oh sure, they say they're conducting valuable experiments which will further advance mankind.

I say they're lookin for food.

So until they fricasee a giant squid or saute up some bigfoot,

This is it folks. Dig in.



_______________

The Prize Patrol Cometh!

This blog has been called many things.

Most of which will get you duct taped to an angry pelican and made to listen to David Hasselhoffs newest c.d. until your ears bleed.

But of all the things you could possibly think of,
...award winner

must now be one of them.

For pee your pants funny and original material, I now own THIS bad boy.

A special thank you to my friend chatblanc over at Wit's Bitch for presenting me with my first blog award ever! Oh sure, lots of blogs have been given this prestigious little trophy, but eff off this one is mine.

And if that weren't enough, Meg over at Prefers Her Fantasy Life, informs me that I won something over there too! She held a caption contest and even though I didn't win the Ed McMahon super ultra cash extravaganza prize, my entry made her laugh.

Strange, I thought.

It's kinda weird to get a prize for not winning, I thought.

Making someone laugh is prize enough, I thought.

I thought wrong.

Thanks Meg!


Let's make it 3 for 3 ---------------> click and vote with a smiley!

Splash, Boom, Bang

My fine hometown.
Working harder than any other to entertain its citizens.
Searching the globe for quality amusements and well...

The 2008 Red Bull Flugtag!


The idea here is to push your homemade flying machine off of a 20 foot high ramp and see how far it will fly.
The problem here is that they held the competition in the "freak show state", which ruled out the common sense factor. See, most of the "flying machines" did not even have wings.

Seems that would have made a checklist......somewhere.

The first thing flew like a 100'. It did have wings. They won. Go figure.
After that, the contest was a plunkfest.
42 piece of crap go carts being shoved off a cliff.
That's not entertainment - that's gravity.

---------------------------------------------------
Next up....

Criss Angels Mindfreak!
Even closer to home, Clearwater Beach.

Take this dork-

Handcuff him to a railing on the 3rd floor of hotel -

Set the timer for 4 minutes - then blow up the hotel.

Seemed like a brilliant plan. But it turns out, dork is a magician.

Oh no! Lock pick thingy no worky! Oh no! Took too long, now helicopter ride on roof has to leave him!

The suspense makes it hard to even breathe. Wait, no it's not the suspense, it's the damn dust.

He must be magic. He must have said hocus-pocus. He must have known where the back stair was.

_____________________________

After all that, the city has redeemed itself...

Coheed and Cambria...

After going 0 for 2, they owed me...big. So they lured my friends from NY with the promise of cheap t-shirts, salt water taffy and painted sea shells, - just for me.

You owe me too. ----------------->click

The Power of "duuh."

I don't exactly know when I became the smartest guy on the jobsite.
Maybe it's my quick wit and stunningly studious good looks.
Or maybe it's my "I'm with Stupid" t-shirt.
I can't be sure.

Whatever the reason, I've become some sort of stupid question vacuum.
A dumb-ass information booth where mindless wandering nimwads, stop and check in.
It's driving me nuts.

But now I have a new weapon.

One simple word that eliminates the stress of processing stupidity.
A single syllable which can send 'em away scratching their empty skull cavity in utter speechlessness---


"DUUH"



I have set my mind free!
No more searching through my few remaining brain cells for an undeserved answer!
No further thought processes to fathom insane inquiries!

"Damon, should we install a LOCKING knob on the bathroom door?"

--Last week- "No jackass, in the true interest of privacy, we've decided to install the toilet in the middle of the driveway."

--This week- "duuh."

See how this works? I am cruisin the construction zones with a crapload of 'duuh' strapped to my hip like a gunslinger.

"Damon, do you want all the garbage thrown in the dumpster?"

-- Last week- " Not this time braindead, load it up in your car until it reeeeaalllly starts to stink. Then drive to the dump and leave your car there."

--This week- (simply) - "duuh."

It works for anything, and has nooo comeback.
Just a priceless blank expression-


If you choose to use the 'duuh', be careful.
It does have it's limits.

Officer --"Do you know how fast you were going?"
Young Pa-duuh-wan learner--" You're the one with the radar gun, duuh."

You gotta be careful and not abuse the 'duuh' and all it's powers.
A wise man once said:
The power of duuh, is a curious thing.
Make-a one man weep, make another man sing.
Change a hawk, to a little white dove.
More than a feeling, that's the power of "duuh."


*Damon, where do we click to vote for you? Right over there --> "duuuh."

It's all about the bacon, my brothers

I've been searching the internet for the perfect man-meal.

Something we all can appreciate.
Something every man, regardless of age, race, or super-hero preference, can say they agree on.

.......and I found it.

Enjoy.

The salad.
Served up in a bowl - made of - you guessed it - bacon.
How can it be unhealthy? It is a salad!

The appetizer.
Bacon wrapped... well ,anything. Who gives a crap. Bacon rules.

The Entree.

I will not ruin this glorious moment with commentary. Look at it. Take it all in. I present to you...

Bacon cheeseburgers served on a Krispy Kreme donut bun.

Dessert.
And because you have not yet had all the greasy, fatty, goodness, you deserve.....
Oooooh yeah,
Chocolate covered bacon.


Oh no. That's not where it all ends.
You're gonna need a little somethin' extra.
Somethin' to get that lettuce and chocolate smell off your breath.

...and you know I found that too.

Click here and vote!

DRINKS ARE ON ME

I don't think I like being told by my local drinking establishment when to be happy.
Sometimes I go in, not happy at all.
And 2 for 1 draft beer and well drinks, ain't gonna change that.

#1. I hate draft beer.
#2. They call them 'well' drinks, because, well, they suck.

I, for one , am not putting the timing of my oh so fragile emotions in the hands of an industry that purposely sets their clocks wrong, and calls 4pm - 7pm happy 'hour'.
That's three hours, and if you drink well drinks for three hours, well, you won't be happy, you'll be sick. Or maybe, you're lucky enough to find a bar with "happy hour" all day Sunday.
Once again, what the bartender wrings out of a rag and serves up as half priced, all day on a Sunday, will have you yackin clear through Tuesday.

So, in Damons Drunkatorium, (that's my bar name, if I had a bar) we're gonna cover all the reasons you're in a bar.
Happy or not.

"Slightly Peeved and Perterbed Hour" - You get 60 minutes to drink your way into a memory lapse to forget the weeks stupidity. I got to go with Captain Morgan & Coke on this one.

"Emphatically Euphoric and Delighted Hour"- We'll serve up that fu-fu garbage happy people all love. Pitchers of 'fuzzy navels' or 'sex-on-the-beach' should shut 'em up.

"Crazed and Out of Your Freakin Mind Hour"- Tequila shots aaaaaalll around. Buenos noches, mi amigo.

"Anxiety and Paranoia Hour"- I figure an Irish Coffee should fill the bill. I'm pretty sure the alcohol and the caffeine cancel each other right out. Just like the voices in your head. And if it doesn't, you won't worry about being seen leaving the bar with who's left at 2 am.

"Lonely and Depressed Hour"- Just for fun, I've decided to 2 for 1 draft beer is painfully appropriate. You know, that tear in your beer thing. Oh, and each table will only have one chair, so you can sit alone in all your solitary pathetic glory.

"Totally Ticked Hour"- This could be scary. I'll have to post a disclaimer (and an armed guard). With a bar full of angry workin stiffs and enraged alcoholics, I'm servin, you guessed it, Jack Daniels and Grand Marnier. Just wind 'em up and watch 'em go.

Note : Dart league cancelled during "totally ticked hour".

Bunch more drunks over at humor-blogs.