.....GOES AROUND

Once in a while, when least expected, the karma gods will send you a little sign.
Just to show they have a sense of humor.
Today, karma god smiled on me.
Not a little grin. Not a small smirk.
I got the Cheshire cat - just ate a box of Crest whitening strips smile.
Read on, my karma retributional friends.
My pinhead, arrogant, self-indulgent, nothings ever good enough, bossman, decided to pay me a visit at my jobsite. As one might expect, he shows at the lunch hour, when rather than tending to our delegated tasks, we are eating.
He summons me from my convenient store cuisine with a somewhat demanding "my time is more valuable than yours" tone in his voice.
I comply, disparagingly. Still chewing.
He proceeds to the living room of the house, pissed about who knows what for who cares why.
When part way through his idiotic speech about lunch breaks, ...it happened.
In front of about 6 carpenters, a painter, and a stone mason, ...it happened.
I sneezed. I'm not talkin "achoo, scuse me" sneeze. This was a from the diaphragm, wall decorating, pull a muscle in your back, duck and cover, beauty of a sneeze, that only could be summoned by the gods of karma.
For as they would have it, the sneeze was accompanied by a small piece of lunch, which launched itself from my uvula and perched itself precisely between the eyes of my attacker.
...He didn't notice.
...We didn't tell him.
How could he not know? He looked like he had just been hit with a snowball.
Why didn't anyone say anything? Cause karma god had their tongue. That's why.
He finished his ramblings about nothing. And with big, white, chewed up, food morsel still holding, firmly centered on his uni-brow, in all its' hilariously gross glory, he sped off.
Thank you karma gods.
I needed that.

PLANT-A-PET

We have a new pet. It's not gonna lick my face or wag it's tail, but it ain't gonna crap on my carpet either. It has no legs, so it doesn't need to go for a walk, and it doesn't eat anything. It never needs a bath, and won't bark at the neighbors. We should have got one of these a long time ago. Mans' best friend, without the stink.
Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia. Nice.
The anticipation of our bald little friend turning into a green afro-sporting mule has been tough, but there were chia-issues. It could have been less prep, but the chiastructions chiasuck.
Submerse chia-head in water. Done.
Wait 24 hrs. Done.
Soak seeds in water. Wait 24 hrs again. Crap.
If only I had read further on day 1, we'd be smearing gooey hair tonic on schedule. Instead, I was explaining to a 4 yr old, the importance of reading all the directions first. Lesson learned.
Now, I'm proud to report that all seed-goo has been spread as instructed and we will soon be bringing our friend to chia-cuts for a trim. Maybe a mohawk. Maybe some chia-dreds. Maybe not.

WHOA, WHAT, YAY, OUCH...

The circus was in town this weekend and, being the world champion dad that I am, I loaded up my co-ringmaster and my own two clowns to witness the greatest show on earth. Problem was, we had a better view of Jupiters' moons than the multi-colored merriment happening at ground level.

It's hard to be amazed by the"high flying trapeze act" when it's happening beneath you. We could only see the trapeze people when they swung out from under the enormous light rigging. They were probably pretty good. I'll never know.

The circus also handles their own concessions. In other words, there's no way they're gonna attempt to scale the stadium steps with that big popcorn bag carrying stick in tow. The cotton candy guy gave it a shot and, after a brief appearance, was never seen again. I equate it to scaling Mt. Everest, even the bravest people only try it once.

It wasn't all bad though. The iron testicle competition was fantastic nut-racking fun for the whole family.

This years contestants; Dude jumping on and off of a horse at full speed, slammin his stones every way he can to make the judges cringe ; Chinese guy flipping between swinging metal poles without using his hands, commonly referred to as the "Asian Crotch Catch" ; and neon-mohawk guy bouncing around on his saddled innertube, abusing his onions for our enjoyment. There was no clear cut winner, but I'll bet you a kick in the groin, the male members of the audience still haven't unclinched their thighs.

HOW COLD IS IT

It is 31 degrees in Largo Florida.
IT'S 31 DEGREES IN LARGO FLORIDA.
Read it again.
Thirty-one. Trente y uno.
31 is for ice cream flavors and Montana summers.
It's just wrong for describing Fla temps.
So very wrong.
This morning I saw a car with a Canadian license plate heading north. (I hear Sasketchewan is having a 34 degree heat wave.)
I think there is a rock in my boot, but I'm afraid to check. I may find that my pinky toe has frozen and broken off.
Someone call Al Gore, global warming has officially ended.

FREE RESOLUTION TIPS

Don't worry yourself with resolutions you won't keep. You won't lose weight, you won't exercise more, you won't quit smoking, you won't eat right, and you will continue to procrastinate. This time instead of making your same old, boring, useless resolutions, I have come up with a few ideas for you. They're all user friendly, easy to stick to, and the world will thank you.

Stop using the phrase "it is what it is". - This is the stupidest cop-out of an answer known to man and must be put to rest. It isn't what it is, hell it wasn't even what it was. There are no absolutes and nothing is always as it seems. Profoundness from simple mindedness. Just drop it.

Visit the ATM once a week. - You know what your weekly spending habits are, so pick up a little cash. Then I won't have to watch you in all your pathetic glory, whip out a credit card to buy a Twix bar and a Yoo-hoo.

Keep your cat in the house. - I don't have a cat. I don't want a cat. The neighborhood wasn't consulted on your decision to have the outdoor, crap in our mulch, spray that stink on our doorstep, middle of the night scary scream, squirrel chaser, you decided to adopt for us. So keep Fluffy on your side of your front door, pinhead.

When walking through the mall, keep right. - Mall walking should be approached like driving a car. Stay in your lane, slower traffic keep right, and pull to the shoulder if you wanna stop. Your re-enactment of Moses' parting of the Red Sea by pushing little Johnny's stroller against the flow is not getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers. And don't just slam on the brakes. It's not that we don't enjoy using the tip-toe emergency brake, but let's save that for cliffs and ledges.

Pre-plan your McDonalds order. - Since you've decided the 'lose weight' resolution just wasn't for you, you should have this menu memorized. Unless they're shleppin the Shamrock shake or that McRib nastiness, it's the same McCrap they always McHave. Waiting until you get to the counter to do the 'squint and choose' won't provide any more artery-hardening options, I promise.

Use computer acronyms sparingly. - IDK WTF, but all these IMs R XLNT and TGTBT. Think WWJD B4 U LOL or LYAO. Personally, I DKDC CUZ I don't use AOL on my PC. But, OMG my BFF said CYA to his GF, the VP of an IPO, NBD. So THX 4 sparing this DWM all the BS. XOXOXO
....Nuff said.

One for me

My two favorite gifts.

CUERVO COOKIES

My sisters recipe for the best Christmas cookies ever.

1 cup of water - - - - - - - lemon juice
1 tsp. baking soda - - - - -4 large eggs
1 cup of sugar - - - - - - - 1 cup of nuts
1 tsp. salt - - - - - - - - - - 2 cups of dried fruit
1 cup of brown sugar - - - 1 large bottle of Jose' Cuervo

Sample the Cuervo to check for quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup, and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar, beat again.
At this point, it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, so try another cup.... just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the friggin fruit off the floor... mix on the turner. If fried druit get stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or somthing. Who giveshz a sheet.
Sheck the Jose' Cuervo.
Now, shift the lemon joose and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoonof sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, den finish the Cose' Juervo and make sure to put the shtove in the dishwasher.