U-TOY-PIA

I am just a big kid, and yesterday, I hit the jackpot. Between what Santa brought and our three holiday stops, I( I mean my kids), got lots of cool stuff for me to play with.

Why just yesterday alone, I made the finest Mr. Potato head you can make with the provided googly eyes, derby, and nose/moustache combo. My parents would be so proud to see just how far I've come in tater-face creativity.

I subsequently proved my Rock-em Sock-em Robot supremacy to both my kids, and I look forward to todays re-match. I don't look at it as beating up on a 4 yr old. I prefer to think of it as "quality time".

The three Nerf dart guns have not seen any action just yet, but rest assured, I have been plotting a suction cup dart ambush on my little elves since early this morning. My Marine training coupled with my basic Ninja skills, will have these two beggin for mercy the next time they get near the fake tree by the bathroom. (I'm trusting you not to divulge this tactical info. 10-4?)

I will also be safety testing skateboards and remote control spiders. All Play-doh will evaluated for color, consistency, and overall squishability. Nintendo games will be pre-screened for content (until I get Mario past that big mushroom lookin thing.) The Spiderman web-blaster will be calibrated for true accuracy, and matchbox cars will undergo rigorous on-track testing before DJ smashes them together in one of his famous 56 car pile-ups. It's for their own good. It's just good parenting.

Well that's it for now. I still hours of assembly, battery placement, and twisty package wire removal ahead of me before I see what else I, I mean they, get to play with next.

CHRISTMAS EVE

It's the night before Christmas, and I just can't be sure,
is it cold out where you are? Here it's seventy-four.

The kids have been good, they try I must say,
I threaten "Santas watching!" at least twice a day.

Our Christmas tree stands and greets all who come calling,
Please Christmas, come quick, all the needles are falling.

The familys' prepping, for some holiday cheer,
It all starts at church, (I go once a year).

We join them for caroling, good food, and some treats,
Baked ham, and good wine, all sorts of good eats.

For friends who can't make it, hope your holidays great!
I'll miss seeing you here, (I'll still fix you a plate!)

Once the evening is through, and we all settle in,
I'll tuck in the kids, as I smile and grin,

For the nights' just begun, for whom Santas entrusted,
to keep him alive, and try not to get busted.

The long wait is over, Santas makin his flight!
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

GREED

A famous man once quoted his mama and said, "A man only needs so much money to live, and the rest is just for show. " I think Mr. Gump was right.

My morning routine was off to a stellar start. You've been there. Perfect ratio of sugar/creamer to 7-11's finest mountain roast java. The last sprinkly donut sitting there waiting for you in the little pastry aquarium. The store is packed, yet there is only one person in the checkout line ahead of you. It's breakfast-time bliss with a side of hashbrowns.
But I am even-steven. The symbionic relationship between my expectations and my reality was once again about to kick me in crotch.
I would (reluctantly) have traded half my sprinkly donut to be in line ahead of the only person between me and the gold medal for the convenient store relay.
She stood at the counter, in all her AARP glory. Hair in beehive perfection. Diamonds dangling from every wrinkled limb. Rolex watch. Tailor-made pantsuit. Mercedes key chain hanging from her Gucci purse. Standing there. Mocking my possible achievement.
For, as blatant as she was with her display of wealth, she had a portfolio binder which housed 20 minutes worth of lotto tickets. Lotto, Fantasy 5, Play4, Pick 3, you name it-I'm gonna be here a while.
I find it difficult to imagine what her financial requirements actually are, or how much more this woman needs to prove her more-money-than-you lifestyle. All I could do is stand there, feel a little sorry for her, and imagine what she'd look like with a slurpee on her head. Dripping with lemon-lime goodness. Soaked to the facelift with blue-raspberry. Drowning in wild-cherry.

Todays lesson:
Greed is bad. Ambition is good. Sprinkly donuts reign supreme.

POINT OF VIEW

After reading one of my favorite blogs (Life of Cinematic Moments), it occurred to me how much I miss the snow. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how much fun it was for me but how hard it was for my parents. Once the first big snowstorm hit, the difference was point of view.

Kids: Let's make snow angels!
Adults: Damn it's cold outside.

Kids: Let's have a snowball fight!
Adults: I hate shoveling snow.

Kids: Let's make a snowman!
Adults: Now you know the cars not gonna start.

Kids: Try to catch a snowflake on your tongue!
Adults: Can you train a dog to get the mail?

Kids: Let's go ride the sled on the hill!
Adults: We should have gone to Florida with my frequent flyer miles.

Kids: Look at the icicles over the garage!
Adults: That damn neighbor never returned my snowblower.

Kids: It's gonna be a white Christmas!
Adults: Crap, the pipes are frozen.

Kids: I peed my name in the snow!
Adults: Who's been playing with the thermostat!

Kids: Let's put snow in dads boots again!
Adults: Those kids better not have put snow in my boots again.

X-MAS IN DA HOOD

This was taken in a government housing project in Largetto, Fla.
Looks like someone has been selling their food stamps.

COMFTUBLY NUMB

It's Tuesday.
Feels like Monday.
Tuesday has no feel of it's own.
Rather it borrows a tad of either Mondays 'don't wanna be here' vibe or Wednesdays 'hump day' stupidity.
Tuesday.
No one looks foward to it, no one looks back on it.
A weekday filler.
One more 24 hour span of non-weekendedness to endure.
Melancholy at best, as if to have ingested fourteen rotted molars worth of novacane to the brain, I endure.
Don't know what to do next and can't remember what I did last.
So I sit,
going through the motions.
Hold up, wait a minute.
Christmas cookies from my electrician.
Somehow, it now feels like a Thursday.

DOODLE ART

OOOOOHHH, Who lives in the projects down under the sea....

(equal opportunity Spongebob)